Current obsession

1. Miss. Hepburn

2. Empire state of Mind by Jay Z and the most awesome woman in history

3. You got the love by Florence and the Machine

4. Carrot Cake

5. Hot Gimmick Manga (3rd time obsessed)

6. Getting a Job

7. Birthdays

8. Unknown love

9. The Neurobiology of Depression

10. The neurobiology of aggression.

11. Newly made uncles.

Yup.. I think that's about it for now. kay.. saima story should be posted within the next week.

A Tale of Misfortune

I have decided that every time I meet with a misfortune, I shall blog about an unrelated incident that exemplifies my foolish, yet laughable self. I shall start now as I've kinda faced a lot of misfortunes recently.

One day, on my home, it being pretty late (around 7pm), I was on one of my never ending bus routes. The bus stopped at High Street Kensington, as it should do, naturally. But it had stopped for an unnaturally long time, and I had not noticed the time passing or that all the people had left and I was the only one left sitting there, staring out of the window.

When... all of a sudden! The oddest thing started happening: the pedestrians outside the bus started making eye contact with me, and it wasn't just one, it was quite a few! 3-4 I think. to make things even stranger, a few of them started waving at me in an odd way, not like a wave to a friend, but more of a wave to 'come away' as it were.

Faster than a lightning bolt cascading with a firework did I realised that the bus had terminated, and that I was the only person left inside the large double decker.

Without further ado, I grab my bag and make like the wind as I hurled myself out of the bus, where the waving pedestrians stood, smiling bemusedly at me, I smiled awkwardly back and thanked them incoherently, walking away at the same time lest they should realise how embarrassed I was.

Well, that's the end. I have a new work of fiction coming up! It's called The Saima Story, I'll try and make it the next post. But if another misfortune should happen to turn up, I'll have to report you upon that instead.

Manga of the Month- November

Thought I forgot eh!? Thought you escaped EH?! Well, I simply haven't had time, but NOW! Now I can finally do a manga of the month hehehehehe *sinister laughter*

I'm sorry I'm like 2 weeks late for this, but I know you're all waiting eagerly so I won't waste anymore time.

This month I have grown mixed feelings towards a certain Manga called 'Team Medical Dragon', it is one of the few surgery-related mangas, I think it's well written and drawn, the problem is, that it has some rather controversial views of the Japanese healthcare system that I would personally have to see with my own eyes to actually believe.

This manga is drawn by a well known mangaka, but written by a surgeon, the aim of the manga to my 'reader' point of view is just to slag off the healthcare system in japan, particularly the University (i.e. Research) based hospitals in Tokyo. It is described as a 'Feudal age' run by incompetent lords (professors) governing over peasants (patients). Among discussed roles of nurses as surgeons, framed negligence charges, avoidance to treat foreigners and corruption at the height of the hospital governors, there is also a strong disdain towards drug and clinical trials tested on patients.

I can't really say 'we shouldn't test on humans' because otherwise we would have no development of medicine and the pitiful form of treatment that we have for some major diseases just won't ever evolved. But this manga made me realise that it is on humans, not just the sick that we test drugs with unknown effects on. The manga also made me remember that drug trials are only part of a commercial game for pharmaceutical companies, I kinda forgot about that.

The series might seem to say 'Hate research' or 'Stop drug trials' but what it really is trying to say is 'think of the patients, their pain and suffering' and 'stop using humans as numbers in your sample group'. I guess being in such a research orientated atmosphere made me forget about the humane side to life, and this manga was quite a 'science shock' to me.

Team medical Dragon also sympathises with the horror of being a junior doctor and the naive medical student that will soon bend to the corrupted ways of the system. So I think it is a well rounded manga. However, the one thing that I HATE is that there is occasional pointless sex and nudity which tags the manga as slightly trashy. My only explanation for these unnecessary themes, is that this manga has a lot of medical terminology and hence makes it targeted for those within the field, adding nudity would enhance the number of sales. URGH!

Despite this I do recommend this manga, but I find some of the topics too controversial to believe completely as it could just be controversial to raise sales.

A series of Unfortunate events

After being rejected from yet another career open day this afternoon I thought I was in the mood to write about some unfortunate events that has happened to me lately.

1. It was a good morning, I woke up early and left the house with plenty of time to spare, I get to Wood Lane station and walk to the bus stop, despite the rain, I was okay. Then some idiot car driver drove quickly over this ultimately huge puddle and a wave of dirty rain water cascaded over this poor young woman, she just carried on walking looking drenched and thoroughly miffed. I on the other hand was proud of myself for getting to the bus stop 25 minutes earlier than usual, the annoying thing was that I had to wait 25 minutes for the bus to talk me to the hospital, for a rout that would only require 10 minutes to walk. Anyway, I get to the hospital and remember that I forgot which room I would be in, so I open my diary in a hurry as I'm already 5 minutes late, and in my diary, in red writing, it says: Charing's Cross Hospital. Oh dear.... so I call my friend. and yes she gives me directions for the computer room at the Charings Cross library, so I turn on my heel and go. I got there and hour late.

2. I bought my travel card on Monday morning, well I thought I did, and somehow got onto the bus, the driver let me pass through (nice chap). Then half way to my local station I remember that I did not finalise buying my travel card by touching my oyster card on the receiver again. So I thought i had lost about 44 pounds, this is entirely against my nature and in a frenzy I enquired about the money at the ticket office at my local station, and alhamdulillah, she confirmed I didn't lose anything.

3. I've had some of the most boring monotonous lecturers for the most harrowing diseases known to man, all of which are 3 hours long, it's been such a long time since I've had 6 hours of lectures in a day.

Corruption by Money or by the System?

It is 1.58, and I'm reading some manga till I get sleepy, and I when I read a particular page, I was so impressed by the message that I think it out to have some mention on this rather low profile blog, Click to enlarge:
For people's interest, the 'system' is the Japanese Healthcare System. I don't know if I entirely agree with the message, but it's pretty strong all the same.

URGH applications!

The only time you will ever feel like you can't speak English is when you're trying to write down answers in an application form. I don't know how, but the power of this patronising form has the ability to make you sit down for hours trying to write down what you need to say in the shortest most succinct way.

that's all I'll say for now.

Confessions from the confused

I have just had my first 'timed essay' i.e. an exam. I have abosultely no idea how it went, it's like everything was so unorganised and confused, I still don't really know what the question meant.

All that I do know, is that I just wrote about absolutely everything that I could bring to mind. I have also learnt that I cannot afford to be behind any work anymore, and I think my unorganised nature came out.

What's done is done an I don't think I've failed, but I do hope I did well, though if that happens I'll be questioning how that happenned.

Quick Midnight Rant

CPG = Central Pattern generators, responsible for rhythmic locomotion like walking or swimming. No need for sensory stimulus or commands from cortex/descending tracts of the Spinal Cord.

CPGs were firstly identified in invertebrates such as the tadpole and Lamprey (what the hell is a lamprey?)

Glycinergic = inhinbitory (maintains Left-Right alternation)

Glutamatergic = excitatory (maintains Left-Right synchrony)

Blocking GABA receptors affects rythm, hence, anatgonising them will cause higher frequency of motor output.

GABA important in patterning locomotion in early embryonic life.

GABA later replaced by glycinergic inhibitory systems, and glutamatergic excitatory systems.

I'm supposed to know much more than this.

The best music you ever heard!

Because I am stressed, I tend to procrastinate, this is one of those times. I was wondering what to procrastinate on, considering how I'm rather spoilt for choice in that sector.

But then my mind wandered onto songs that I love to listen at regular intervals. and that's where I came up with a list of the best songs known to mankind in the English language (in my personal opinions).

1. Summertime by Ella Fitzgerald

2. Feeling Good by Nina Simone

3. Falling by Alecia keys

4. Golden Brown by the Stranglers

5. Come Together by The Beatles

6. Empire state of Mind by Jay Z and Alecia keys (the one I'm hooked onto atm)

7. Handlebars by The Flobots

8. Sweet Child of Mine by Guns and Roses

9. Faint by Linkin Park

10. Unwritten by Natasha Beddingfield

11. Smooth Criminal by Micheal Jackson

12. Your Song by Elton John

13. Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen

14. Tribute by Tenacious D (for a laugh)

15. Rehab by Rhianna

I can't actually remember some of the awesome classics that I usually listen to, but these are just some of them ^_^

Transport stories

Since the last time I post a lot of odd things have happened to me, mostly on my journeys home (which are really horrible might I add).

Firstly, I've noticed a lot of people spitting really randomly in the street, It really bugs me, because I, and other non-spitting citizens have the decency not to spit on the ground, and hence we should all keep our ground as clean as possible. It's like there's no respect for the ground we walk on! have some respect people! I mean, if we didn't have the ground we'd be.... groundless.

I really hate travelling home late, when I came back late from a careers event, some weirdo besuited fat Asian grey-haired man sat next to me in a 20% filled train, so there were seats far far away from me that would have been more appropriately filled, I was reading my newspaper so I didn't take much notice of it. He mumbled something like 'oh dear' and the next thing I knew his arm was on the back of my seat. HELL NO AM I LETTING THIS HAPPEN! So I get up immediately and walk away, I think he got embarrassed a lot, serves him right the creep. at least he didn't start talking to me about how I'm anti social, and I'm not living life.

While we're on the subject of creeps, a randomer added me on facebook, we had one common friend so I was afraid of rejecting him straight away, in case I had met him somewhere before, this is the message I sent him:

Dessa: Hey, I'm sorry if i've met you before, but i actually can't remember who you are. sorry if I've offended you!

This is how it turned out:

Randomer: Well im offended coz u dont remember me :( ..... so how can u fix it now ..

Dessa: Well, seeing as I've already committed offence, I don't think I'd mind inducing more. Due to the lack of any possible benefit to myself by making your acquaintance, I think I'll simply blank you out. So, bye.P.s. Stop adding random people. It's annoying.

Randomer: Easy girl :))) . Wel seeing that i have upset you. I donot mind accepting it and saying sorry! But trust me i never ment any thing like it to happen.Btw if you change your mind sumtime, will be nice to know you. May be if you are coming over for Nupsa Dinner on 20th tuesday?P.s. Life is too shot to be upset with somthing...Liv it to max and enjoy it. :)

I don't understand how talking to random people is supposed to enrich my life somehow.... I really hate that sort of behaviour. Is flirting all people ever live for? How boring.

Anyway, I really like buses, but when there's traffic, I do get pretty annoyed, cus it's not like you can read a book or pass time easily on a bus like you could do on a train, buses make you feel dizzy if you're reading something, and so, time is just soo sloooow. I think I've decided that city buses are much more fun than suburban buses.

Recently, I was on a bus on my way home, and all of a sudden I can feel something tugging on my scarf, I moved my head so that it could stop, and that's when I realised that a woman sitting next to her boyfriend had just tried to fiddle with my scarf! They didn't even say sorry or anything! In fact! they started discussing it pretty audibly! Then they started talking about how women have to put their hair in a bun and then put the scarf on top and some off spikes of hair might pop through the material. I was not some sort of object for them to discuss as though in an art exhibition... it was a really odd experience for me, for the first time in my life I sorta felt not human.

I was lost a few days ago on Fleet street, I was trying to get to Salisbury square and I ended up asking every besuited man on the street where it was, luckily for me, no one knew where it was.. was it some sort of hidden Narnia I would have to reach through a wardrobe? I think I ended up asking a high court Judge even... he sounded pretty impressive I must say. I eventually found the place but I was all red a flustered from walking quickly, so I was not really feeling too good at the time.

Well, that's about it for me. Till next time!

What am I doing here?

In part of my research for a career in law (random I know) I attended a recruitment presentation for on of the major city law firms around. I was full of aspiration and naiitivity (me in a nutshell).

So after examining my very tiny new USB stick. I entered the auditorium where this very important presentation was about to be carried out in. I sat down next to a chinese girl in a really nice baige top and it was a really pretty top!

The presentation started. It didn't really have much infor about what Clifford Chance do or what they want from their graduates, but it was mainly all about how great they are and how reachable they are, and how bloody friggin nice they are.

That did not put me off, what put me off was during the drinks part of the session, the trainee graduates there takled lovingly about the long hours and the toughness of a GDL course. No-lies there.

That only put me off, what really put me off, was waiting for the jubilee line at Canary Wharf station, amongst sleazy suited men talking on their mobile phones and bitchy women who are able to save seats for sleazy suited men by keeping their expensive purses on the seat beside them but can't let a grey haired-backpacked man sit down. I just felt in the wrong place, all the time, I just felt wrong. And then I thought:

What am I doing here?

I don't want to be earning loads of money and acting so uncharitable and dress sleazily! I want to do something worthwhile! I want to achieve loads, I want a ward named after me. I want to write a book! I don't want to go through so much trouble for a job that I'll be in for so long that I won't have any time to spend the amazing amount of money, or indeed have a life.

But then I think: why get a job? I am not living independently, nor do I maintain my own costs, where's the motivation? I guess it'll be for the children I have not met yet, for them I suppose I must do anything, even sacrifice my own aspirations.

I'm so confused! And stretched, and disorientated! My mind cannot rest in Peace, I have shouted out in my sleep from all the entrapment I endure during dreams, I can't seem to be peaceful within myself.

I hate career planning, it sucks, just like working life.

If you're interested in my life... read on.

It's been so hectic since the last time I posted, there's just been too much happening that I think I'll make one of my 'numbered' posts. Here goes:

1. Miss, Hepburn and I spent a wondrous day scanning graduate opportunities at a careers fair, we went to presentations and workshops, in addition to being given candy floss and harassment by 'Royal Mail', I even spoke to employers in Arabic! By the end, it looked like we went shopping with our numerous bags laden with brochures and free umbrellas. We decided to eat out as it was late in the afternoon and we were both hungry. I found an Iranian restaurant and pointed to it, regretting it later when Miss. Hepburn said I had inadvertently pointed to two people making out instead.

2. I've had my first lectures of the year, they were horrible, I say that word deliberately, I'll say it again! THEY WERE HORRIBLE! I couldn't understand a single thing! By the end I became dizzy from constant ignorance on my side. I hope I'll be able to understand them some day :(

3. I've made friends at uni, they are nice people, we played a mind/card game called maffia where I realised that I resort to shouting a lot.

4. I went to a Law firm presentation where I panicked by the amount of alcohol available and the number of people, they made me feel welcome though as someone started to immediately talk to me, rather than other law firms where they just blank you out. The presentation and video itself were amazing, I was truly impressed by simply everything. I really want to work for them :D

5. I've dossed a bit with Miss. Black, it's fun being around her, I feel at ease and comfortable, but I'm not going to act too affectionately like I did before, that wouldn't be the right decision.

6. There was something else that happened and I can't remember what it was.....

7. I went out with uni mates to pizza express where we exemplified the true spirit of students by ordering 4 glasses of tap water.

8. I gave a tour of the main Uni campus to Mr. Matta, I rather enjoyed it and became pretty proud of the glass buildings I was so used to walking around. We had to go through hell trying to get his ID card done, we managed to do it but he had to unfortunately wait for the card to be made later.

9. I went out with Miss. Hepburn and some other medic friends like Miss. Pink and Miss. Ongalong, as well as Mr. King Kon and Mr. Chandler. We ate food and talked for ages and gossiped a little, as well as stalking good-looking ppl on mobile facebook! It was a very warm, happy time for me :D

10. I embarrassed myself at a university workshop... urgh.

Manga of the Month- October

It has come to that time again. I must bore my non-existing audience with my own passions. I'm sorry to disrupt your attentions, but this simply has to be done.

I shall talk about a long standing Manga I've been reading for two years now, it is called Naruto. I have a very soft spot for Naruto as I watched all the available anime for it 2 weeks before my first year exams. That is not an 'achievement' many people can boast about.

So.. 'what is it about?' I hear you screaming in agitated curiosity. Well, the series is divided into two main sections: the original 'Naruto' and 'Naruto Shippuden' which continues the storyline 3 years later. Naruto is a created culture of a world of ninjas that train from a young age to sanction their duty for their own village, the main Characters are, surprisingly, Uzumaki Naruto (an annoying boy with a big mouth), Uchiha Sasuke (a moody silent boy with a harsh past, but who thinks he's better than everyone) and Sakura (a rather useless girl whose surname I don't remember). The Manga details characters that they meet from other villages, the pasts of other characters and the development of other personalities.


It has too much media for me to describe in better detail, however, it is a very famous Manga series that has gripped readers across oceans and is still gaining popularity by its ever developing detailed and planned plot.

The drawing style is unique, but not very good. Like most male Mangakas and shonen manga, women simply can't be drawn right. I've only seen a handful of good shonen manga that have drawn a female correctly so as not to mistaken as a man with long eyelashes, and Naruto is no exception.

This mainstream manga has been very successful for inciting fear, happiness, sadness and profound emotions in its readers, it is not one of the best (Nana is the best) but it is certainly a highly recommended read for a holiday or when you have weeks of free time.

*sigh* I shall continue to keep writing on Manga! My enthusiasm for it can't be dented by your hard disregard!

How to be hyper in style.

You'll all be delighted to hear that I shall not be talking about manga of the month this time, (I promise you all I'll write it in the next post). Instead I'll be commenting on a wondrous evening I had recently.

Well, I ended up bizarrely in a rather drunken mode with Miss. Short Fuse last night, as we entertained ourselves by eating out in one of those random restaurants down our local high street that we never take notice of. I must say, the food was not very exciting, it was edible, but that's how far it went.

The waiter had unknowingly injected a humiliated feeling into both of our egos, when he gave us both bowls of warm water with ice and lemon, we obviously had absolutely no idea what they were for or what to do with them.. should we drink the water? Were we supposed to clean our hands with it? Was it some sort of preservative for lemon slices? Was it a signal to leave because we were so uncultured that we shouldn't even be there?

I entreated Miss. Short Fuse for her consent to let me enquire after the strange articles, she stoutly refused, saying that we would only be highlighting our own ignorance.

I then told her that she, like most mad geniuses, hated owning up to their own ignorance and only hid behind a blanket of knowledge. She, being exactly as I had described, confessed, that yes, she was indeed a mad genius.

Bloody Brat.

Just as she had made me hold my peace, the same waiter swaggered along again and dropped a boat shaped bowl, empty, by my side, and said nothing. When the waiter was out of earshot, we cracked up laughing, wondering if they were going to give us any unheard of cutlery as well.

I ate a rather bulky spaghetti with mussels, it's unbelievable how many mussels were on it! It took up so much space as the shells had remained intact with the shrivelled form of seafood... and then! We found a purpose for the boat shaped bowl! I had ended up overloading the little bowl with all the mussel shells, that one of them fell to the floor! But you'd think with so many mussels there would be actual taste! No, I'm afraid there weren't. All that the spaghetti had to own for credit was random bulky chunks of garlic, again, amazingly with no flavour. The most flavour I got out of the meal was the raw parsley used for decoration.

I swear they put something in the food. I ended up continuously laughing with Miss short fuse, mainly due to her random acts that proved her lack of common sense and male-ish traits. These were when she ate hardly anything of her meal and claimed she was "so full" as well as when she kept pushing my chair with her feet, while nodding her head in silent open mouthed laughter, much as a boy does when he has heard something immaturely amusing.

I too had my odd remarks, having cut, bruised and blistered by good-looking feet at the hands of good-looking shoes, I complained how "the hardest part is shifting my weight from my butt to my feet" as I stood up from my chair.

Despite having walked through rain with no protection but her sodden jacket, Miss. Short Fuse demanded we buy ice-cream from KFC, remarking how we would be ending out day in style. Whilst shivering from the cold and chattering her teeth, Miss. Short Fuse made light of being made to wait long for her much needed frozen dessert buy acting as though high on caffeine, she trembled and shivered quite amusingly. What was most amusing was that by the time we had reached the end of the long que, in one of the most chaviest places around, for a much demanded and sought after ice-cream....

....the ice-cream machine was broken.

We decided to get over our heavy misfortune by taking a visit inside the lobby of our local theatre (we're quite lucky enough to have one), where we got overly excited about random plays to be shown, Miss. Short Fuse was so genius enough to ask me if these plays was to be shown in the very theatre we were standing in. I answered her that not many theatres advertise for other theatres.

On the way home, we were randomly discussing, rather audibley, what the best method of dying would be. Miss. Short fuse was also random enough to remark that with all my anti-salt-ness, how ironic it would be if I died of salt poisoning, I henceforth, clarified with her if me dying by the hands of salt poisoning was her particular wish in order to fulfill her point. 'Yes' she answered.

We've never been more loving sisters.

We eventually got home, in one piece, and had immediately sobered by the stern walls of our house.

I would like to personally apologise for any annoyance we may have excited.

A happy new start :D

So uni has started, there's not much to talk about, it's all pretty much the same as the first week of my undergrad but this time I'm actually happy, prepared and motivated. The difference in confidence levels are also vastly different, and I feel a bit more solidly about where I stand, for the first time in my life I think I see a benefit from studying at Imperial.

I've made a few friends and now I'm happily chatting around my way around the group, I am, for some reason, hoping to make more male friends as I think I failed in that aspect of my undergrad life (I have some male friends, but most guys hate my guts).

It's so weird saying I'm a postgraduate student.

I forgot my brand new umbrella in one of of the hospital locker rooms and found it just an hour ago so I'm extra happy, despite the miserable rain.

The workload is no doubt intensive, but for some reason that only excites me, I have not felt like that in a loong time, I only ever focused on negative scenarios and fell out of optimism in every light of life. BUT NOW! I'm rearing to go and ready to knuckle down from the start. BRING IT!

I also have extra stuff planned out, I.e. keeping a personal journal, this blog, swimming, as well as the manga reviews (obviously).

So.... manga of the month shall be the next post. Get ready to ignore it.

The end of Summer

I'm feeling the stress of four months worth of career planning, job hunting and boredom ease away from my back as we speak. It has truly been the longest, life-draining, hardest time of my life.

There have been good times, I saw my Uncle and Aunt, I watched Harry Potter, I read 'Persuasion' by Jane Austen, I fasted Ramadan, I ate at Eid, I got my nose straightened out, I saw Miss. Eyebrows a lot, I got a Masters place at my old University, I wrote an official Manga Review, I created dinner dishes, I baked cakes, I lost weight, I started swimming and a Blog!

Actually, when I list it out like that it does seem pretty cool :D

But there have been things I wanted to do and didn't achieve, I wanted to get my driving licence and I still haven't gotten my provisional! I wanted to learn Japanese again and didn't, I wanted to draw art for money and couldn't.

But hey! I'm happy, so I have no regrets (except the driving licence thing... damn).

I've been planning to make a list of all the classic lines Miss. Short Fuse has come out with this summer, and now that the time has finally come I shall begin:

1. I swear to God Vikram is gay.
2. I hate Vikram.
3. That guy has the AURA!
4. HORSES HAVE THE AURA!
5. Faima... you have an odd look on your face....
6. Orlando Bloom has no aura.
7. It's all about the aura!
8. I love Goku!
9. It's all about Goku man.
10. I believe I can flyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
11. Don't you notice that the only thing you talk about is manga!

and my favourite dialogue between us all summer:

Dessa: 'Hey Miss. Short fuse, what are you doing on the computer?'

**********10 minutes lapses in silence between us****************

Miss. Short Fuse: 'Did you say something? I think I heard a sound'

And No, she's not weird in anyway... she's just like that, naturally.

Thanks to Miss. Short Fuse for keeping me sane, again, this summer!

A new life?

I shall be starting my first day at University on Monday. I'll be resuming my position of student again! Something I had been fighting against ever since I started my Bachelors. Ironically.

Many feelings are whizzing past me when I think about going back, some are anxiety and apprehensions, even foreboding, others are excitement, motivation and even a thrill....

I am most definitely not sad I am going back though.

There were many times during this summer that I really did lose hope and even my will to do something useful in this life. I guess when everything in your entire life you've ever done was simply study, then there really is nothing left when you feel like you failed at it. I guess I took my writing more seriously when I got the offer, so that I feel I had something useful and tangible to cling onto in case the first plan doesn't go so well.

I understand what went wrong during my bachelors, even though I did better with each of the years; I procrastinated too much, manga and chatting and generally giving up from the start. This time, I won't. I can't. there's no room to muck around anymore, but there never was either, I just realised that too late.

I have been deemed as anti-social. so what.

I'm fed up with having to comply with the way things are done by the majority, I want to do things my way, for me, I no longer give a damn about trying make others happy. I'm going to be a selfish b***h this year.

Sorry.

I have also decided that I need to make my friends slowly this time. My quickly attaching nature just doesn't help me out most of the time. But I find it really painful having to stay silent... I feel like I'm being ignored.

Well, I only need to buy some highlighters and a new pencil case, then I should be sorted.

A Tribute to Miss. Hepburn

Miss. Hepburn and I have certainly had a distinct histroy of friendship, I think this history deserves a calling and appraisal.

I met her when I was 7, she was my first and only best friend. Though, I have to admit, she was a litte bossy, she taught me how to tie my shoe laces and subsequently made me tie her own all the time.

The blissful times only lasted for a year; she ditched me for another girl and I was alone, again. Ofcourse, 10 years later we were friends again once the childishness of our past had dissipated, she has been with me ever since, pointing out my typos, calling me a serial killer of all jokes and telling me I'm not fat. She has never failed to support me.

We have our differences, but they've never obstructed our friendship. There is a unbalance in the amount of affection displayed between us, but that's just the way we are.

Miss. Hepburn is the hottest thing that walks the planet :P

Of surprises and Humiliation

I was at the grounds of my former education today. It was rather sad walking around and not expecting to bump into anyone I knew, there was a sort of loneliness to it.

I decided to enter my old building to pray, after which I went into the ladies toilets in order to get a tissue for my unpredictable nose. On my way to the tissue dispenser I was interrupted by a sudden blur and LO! It turned out to be Miss. Tooting! We were both so surprised that all we managed to say was 'AAAHH!!!' while pointing vehemently, the warmth of the moment was rather blunted as Miss. Tooting had to wash her hands, making me wait for the inevitable bone cracking hug filled with months of separation.

It was a staggered, yet wonderful surprise. We asked each other what we were doing in the specific building. I was also pleasantly surprised and rather amused that Mr. Grrr and other friends were in the very foyer that I had passed on my way to the restroom.

I got to see them and we were all happily surprised at the entrance of each others company. There was the usual 'How are you?'s a and 'How's life?'s questions I usually despise as there are only so many ways of answering them: 'I'm fine, I'm good, I'm scarred for life'. But today these questions were taken without complaint as I was genuinely happy.

I can't wait for next week where I will start my new (and improved) life as a Masters student. I just hope I'll be able to control the time I chat with them, I'll end up not working then!

My happiness was suddenly killed off by my appointment with a careers advisor. I was not apprehensive of this as I usually gain good advice and esteem on these visits. However, for some reason I was unlucky enough to be paired with Miss. Smileless, a stern woman who despised shaking my hand t our introduction or even sitting next to me during our meting. The detestable creature sat across from me and took her time assessing documents, a forged aura of superiority clouded her s she embarked on how 'poor' my English was (First time I ever felt like a freshy), how un-evidenced my skills were amongst other shortcomings. She even went so far as to accuse me of copying my work from someone else.

I had enough pride to have allowed a severe look of disgust on my face when she said this. Making her loose eye contact.

Living a life where I come across this sort of treatment all the time made me acquire some immunity to her 'civil' emotional beatings. However, I was very hurt. I believed there could have been better ways she could have portrayed her points. The entire meeting felt like I was back at school, being told off for homework I hadn't done, how this would affect my entire life and how I was doomed for failure.

I felt very insecure in that room with her, as though any armour I had was stripped away, leaving all humiliation exposed. It was very difficult for me to think 'this is for my own good, take on board what she has to say and focus on positivity'. It was so hard that my thoughts quickly changed to 'lets just get out of here'.

Looking back, she seemed very distrustful as she was the one who was late and made it sound like it was my fault for reducing the meeting from 20 to 15 minutes. She smiled once, that was when I left the room, as though giving me a vote of confidence. She even made it out as though I was supposed to have followed her step by step instructions in a leaflet I had never known she had written.

The meeting to me was a disaster, I came out feeling like an incompetent fool whose only purpose in life, is to try and fail, concurrently. I doubt this is the real job of a careers advisory service, aren't they supposed to guide and support you? Rather than step on and pulverise you?

Maybe I should have gone when I had more esteem or confidence, I'm fully aware that is what I vastly lack, and I guess meeting Miss. Smileless was a sensitive thing for my unconfident nature.

The great things about friends, is that they soak up your misfortunes without any damage to themselves and leave you feeling blissful again. That's why I'm very grateful for Miss. Tooting and Mr. Grr being there today. I would've remained on the verge of tears for the rest of the day otherwise.

A cosy homely time out.

I spent a wonderful time with some old friends today (they're not old, I've just been with them for quite a while, which makes me sound old now).

My punctuality took a turn for better spirits as I was actually early! Miss. Kon, Miss Nigerian Nurse and Miss. Palm Tree were not, unfortunately. They proved themselves timely by arriving and hour late while walking aimlessly in circles trying to find the restaurant. Miss Hepburn adopted my norm and didn't show up at all.

Being Miss. Hard-Shopper's birthday's celebration, I felt that fireworks, a large hotel reception and a rave were in order. However, we took the quieter option and ate homely Italian food (Pizza) in the not so homely city of London. Not all of us had pizza, Miss. Hard-Shopper ate a Pasta with GREEN CHILLIES! And Miss. Palm Tree ate a salad.

We talked and talked and talked and talked! It was bliss. Men don't really understand how women can talk to each other for hours on end without stopping, I think it's an expression of love, affection and care. of course when the conversation turns to very female orientated topics that's just general chatting.

A record was unknowingly broken during the meal, Miss. Liquid Scatterer did not spill a single drop of her drink and managed to hydrate herself successfully. I remember the waitress removing the cups and bottles from the table rather nervously though, as if she felt a spilling aura from my friend. Miss. Liquid Scatterer actually was so excited in having a meal out and celebrating birthdays, that she actually arrived 24 hours too early and was surprised when forced to understand that she had proven herself too punctual. Fortunately for her, she was able to leave and return the next day.

It had been so long since I had seen Miss Nigerian Nurse, I was having spasms of happiness at the sight of her! She has grown into a responsible woman with sense and taste, however her mind has been slightly deviated, most likely at the hands of Miss. Kon.

We took photos! usually, I took to some embarrassment when this part would come, but for some reason, I was very happy with all the flashes and posing and smiling for too long. It allowed me to express something like unity with my friends, I think It made me feel young again I suppose.

We left the restaurant 2 hours after I had stepped into it. What happened next is rather inappropriate to talk about so I'll finish it here on a never-ending cliff-hanger.

I love you all, wonderful ninjas!

Reflection

I have been recently contemplating the philosophy that surrounds the word 'friendship'. I have noticed that my friends from years ago are not the same people they once were, and that I no longer am the same person I was either.

Having used to be incredibly sheltered for virtually all my school days, I am happy to say that my personality was probably one of an innocent, naive and rather hyper girl. I remember being happy that I was away from all the dark things I had heard of on the news and books which I had never even became indirectly known to. Of course, being shut in a cage for my own protection was not something I was totally happy with at the time, but looking back, I am extremely grateful for my upbringing. I have no idea what type of person (despite how deviated I have gone) I would have been if it was not for my parents and school.

Funny how you only realise it when time had stretched you away from your previous life, perhaps I would have been more appreciative and more willing to learn if I had know the true meaning of the style of my upbringing.

As to friends, I worry if the little sanctuary of happiness I have with them now will eventually dissipate to civil acquaintance. People change, I am very aware of that. I feel that everyone is dispersing to new stages in life and that the blissful times we once had won't ever be able to be achieved again.

*sigh* oh well.

A tribute to Mr. King Kon

I would just like to say a few words about my friend Mr. King Kon. He is my anime buddy.

He is named Mr. King Kon on this space because it is a name he devised for himself, unlike everyone else who I mention on my blog (yes, I make up most names). It is a name that suits him remarkable. Mostly because the name reflects his giant ape size (well, giant sized stomach) and his personality akin to a soul stuck in a stuffed teddy bear shaped as a pathetic lion.

Very fitting indeed.

When I needed to share the awesomeness of anime, and was harrowingly rejected by all my friends and all strangers, (much to my personal demise) he was there, ready to discuss and share the awesomeness.

I am eternally grateful To Mr. King Kon for being able to read whatever manga I recommended just so that I could talk to him about it afterwards (due to everyone elses' cold rejection).

That's all I wanted to say! err... sort of.....

Manga of the Month- September

I shall take this precious blog space to vent out my fandom towards the best graphic novel in all History: 'Akira' by Katsuhiro Otomo.

Like all brilliant works of literature, art and film, Akira is a manga that actually doesn't make much sense, I could read all 6 heavy volumes 3 times and still not understand what the message is meant to be.

Being such a brilliant manga it is also difficult to describe the storyline, but I'll take a stab at trying anyway. Set in the future, a givernment organisation held scientific experiements on young children, often leading to death, one of them thrives, however, the power etched into this young child's mind is too great to control, without knowing, the organisation had created an uncontrollable unconscious monster: his name is Akira, he is then frozen in time for 30 years in order to maintain national security.

Meanwhile, Kaneda, a 15 year old boy, has some unusual occurrences surrounding him, one of which was the loss of his rather jealous friend, Tetsuo. Who ended up becoming addicted to an unkown powerful drgug, resulting in his mental and phsycial deformities in addition to its powerful potential. Tetsuo then unleashes akira in a bid to take over japan and eventually the world.
My little summery might sound lame and really does not reflect a tenth of the awsomeness of this series so I urge you to try and find out about it yourselves.

Of all the manga I will ever talk about, I seriously think people should not keep going on living life without reading this one. It is that amazing.

The success of Akira was not only limited to Japan, it was THE manga that changed the face of France and America by exemplifying a part of modern Japanese culture. They and other countried in europe now hold a strong esteem of manga, resulting in their widespread selling potential and the prescence of manga volumes in virtually every book store in France, europe and America. It is unfortunately Britain who are rather slow on the uptake and conservative in their views of sturdy newspapers than graphic novels.

Now onto the drawing style of Akira: the mangaka cannot draw women to save his life in my personal opinion, all the female character's looked like men... but you kind of get over that while reading the volumes as you get used to the drawing style. Women are the only flaw that Otomo has in his style of drawing, due to the countless scenes of destruction and the setting in the future, Otomo has exemplified how creative and imaginative his drawings can be; they take size and detail to the limit and I remeber being consumed by awe as I read some of of the pages and just wonder how on earth he had drawn it all.

Overall, Akira is a must read, despite the prediction that you will be rather confused by the end of it all, the drawing style, plot and issues of power, corruption and governmental control wll blow your mind away :D However, like most of the manga I seem to review about, it is not ment for childrens' eyes, it does have some mature content in one of the volumes and if you're not fussy about strong violence, then everything else is okay.

This day 10 years ago

This day 10 years ago, it was 21 degrees centegrade, I took my green jumper off because my seat in the classroom was in direct contact with the sun's rays; flooding the room through the windows with the broken blinds. I was sitting in one of my first math's lessons in my first week of being a high school student.

We were starting geometry.

I remember flipping through my brand new homework diary, and being all excited about my new educational environment and thinking to myself 'I won't foget this scene on the day of 9th day of the 9th month of the year 1999'. My memory kept true to my word.

Now it is ten years since that sunny day, I don't use geometry. But I reminice happily about a time full of carefree days where the only worry was finishing the homework I'd fogotten to do in the morning with everyone else in the school foyey, crouched down on the floor with books spread out everywhere.

Now I have finished my education, and sit doing nothing, but with less regrets than what I could have ended up with.

*sigh* oh well.

Dessa's Ultimately Mega Huge RANT!

I can't get sleep! Isn't this enough reason to rant? I hope my dear audience will oblige me one more time, in allowing me to rant my heart out.

1. I can't sleep!!! Oh... I've already said that. Well, I'm sure you can't actually understand the full extent of thse suferings with me saying it only twice, soo: I CAN'T FRIGGIN SLEEP! 'Why?' I hear you say, well, mostly because I have the most horrid thoughts plaguing me when my mind is ment to rest from all thought, these thoughts I'll be explaining later on.. but somehow my mind branched out to the vision of Gollum.. naturally no-one would even try to sleep when his ugly face is stuck in your mind.



2. I can't get a job! At the beginning of my job search, I said to myslef 'I can take a few rejections' and I was right, I can only take a few, not a heapful. It's not like I'm dying by these rejections, It's just been a very long time that I've been job searching and I have patience, but there has not been a shred of good news, just continuous darkness. There's only so much rejection I can take before my own esteem turns on me and shrinks the way water slips from cupped hands. As a result, I've become bitter, jealous and sour, refusing to communicate with friends, not wanting to go out or see anyone (I have Miss. Hepburn to drag me out though). I know my friends mean well when they ask me how life's going and what I have planned, but I feel so low about it that I blow off everyone who asks, afraid of what they might think or say...even though it can't possibly be worse than what's going through my own head. It's precicely what runs on my head that plaugues me so when I lie my head down to sleep, I feel so trapped by them, like they force me into a box of restlessness.



3. I'm stuck at home!!! I'm starting to consider being stuck at home for the past 3 and a half months as nothing short of punishment. With no intectual stimulus, my mind is actually rusting and diminishing, I'm worried I won't have two brain cells to rub together by the end (whenever that will be!) It is mainly for this reason I so want a job, just something to challenge me, to feel like a member of society, to make my brain function!

4. I'm so silent! I've taken to not really saying much at home, mostly because I feel lke I have to fight with Miss. Sort fuse's ears to work and listen to me. That's IF shes not already talking to one of her kazillion friends, (usually this is Miss. High Heels, but I like her, so it's all good). The efforts I've had to employ myself wih in order to be made heard by Miss. Short Fuse has resulted in a false reputation of being 'clingy'. Well excuse me! I'd try and vent my speech energy on Miss. Pain in the Ass, but like I've said before, she's incompatible with the human race (though deep deep deep deep deep down she's actually a nice person). So yes, I'm now a mute.

5. It's ramadan so I feel kinda guilty about ranting as I'm supposed to be calm and patient and forebaring :( Which I'm not exactly exemplifying right now... so yes, I'm feeling guilty ontop of everythng else.

6. I am unable to complete my writings. I have started 3 works of literature, and I simply cant finish them, which is a certain cause for annoyance to me. I think there are several reasons for this; the switching from plot to plot will obscure focus and so I am unable to think straight; I keep adding to plans and plots after I start writing, so it requires rewriting alot of the time and finally: I don't get enough time on the computer to write much.

In conclusion, I'm not too good, but I am happy it's ramadan, I hope my friends can understand a little of why I'm considered anti-social at the moment, probably for more than just at the moment (Mss.Tooting remarked this to me recently). But with Allah's help, things will get better ^_^

How to survive 16 foodless hours

Firstly: to Miss. Huda: I'm sorry I haven't replie to your text yet, I shall get round to doing it today :)

It's RAMADAAAN!!!! I'm about 11 days late in stating this, but better late than never :D

The first couple of days were okay for me, didn't feel hungry, just tired. lately I've taken to not eating before dawn, so now I am indeed hungry.. or only hungry when people mention food.

The best things about ramdaan is that I feel like I earned my food, and so, eating in the evening hours feels much happier and fulfilling than normal. Other good things are:

1. Mum makes nice soup she only makes in ramadan (although there is no force on earth stopping her making it the rest of the year).
2. Everyone's too tired to argue/fight/get angry (though tension is sometimes high as is normal when you haven't eaten for a long time).
3. I have loads of time to read (I don't see why I didn't find this out before, maybe eating normally takes out a lot of time in our daily lives)
Quran on a daily basis (though I'm about 100 pages behind) and hence I physically feel a lot lighter than normal.
5. I stop reading crappy manga and read good manga (you have to stop bad habbits)
6. MY STOMACH IS FLATTER!!! (because there is no food inside it)
7. I eat loads of dates when time permits me.
8. Me and Miss. Short-Fuse stay up till 2 am reading/chatting/eating.
9. I have taken up baking carrot cakes.



To update you all I've gone into a sort of reading frenzy, as it passes time really well, and getting absorbed into another world helps take your mind off the one you're already in. Books I've read are:

1. Harry Potter 6 (brilliant, but the film was rubbish)
2. Harry Potter 7 (It was time I re-read it)
3. The Yacoubian Building (already mentioned before)
4. Persuasion by Jane Austen (Wentworth, I love you!)

I have picked up David Copperfield by Dickens at the library, I don't know why, probably because Mr. Fullah couldn't stop talking about it, but the sheer size of the book ensures that it'll keep me occupied for the rest of Ramdaan. However, I want to read Pride and Predjudice for the upteenth time again, and I'm in a dillemma as to which I should start....

On a slightly different note, I have been reading manga, some of which I will be reviewing on my blog soon, They are:

1. Onidere
2. Hadashi de bara wo Fume
3. Naruto/
4. Bleach
5. Eensy Weensy Monster (just finished now.. so cute!)
6. Love Letter (war time romance.. sad)
7. Nodame Canatabile (read 5 chapters and am very impressed, despite it being all about pianos which I know nothing of)

And countless other that I'm not bothered to mention.... But I really do like Nodame Cantabile, the characters are so unique and matched well in the plot for maximum entertainment.. I should stop talking about manga...

But one last note! I am having trouble deciding what to talk of for the Manga of the month this month... I'm thinking of Akira, Onidere, Naruto, or Until Death do us Part... I'm not sure which yet. I'm more inclined to do something on Onidere.

And here's a random Manga pic for ya!

The sweetest thing

I was just youtubing some of U2's songs and I just really liked listening to this one classic hit:



I really like the song, despite the really random video. When I saw boyzone I nearly shivered from shock!

I live in a bubble

I've recently read a book called 'The Yacoubian Buuilding' which details events that happen to individual characters who are ivolved with the 'Yacoudian building' in Egypt, which is an actual building that still stands today in one of the 'poshest' areas of Cairo. The book encased Governmental corrutption and power, scandle, forced abortions, homosexuality, sexual harrasment, the substantial divide between the poor and rich, religous extremisim and torture.

Alot in one book right?

When I reached the end of it, I was not only in a state of shock and anger; I had also just realised that I live in a bubble of safety and comfort, that I complain about the most insignificant things in relativity to the horrors that are actually out there in this world.

Then I was watching Panorma last night and the stark contrast of how 'easy' my life is compared to others was once again exposed to me with high definition.

I now understand how grateful I should be for my position in life, even though I damn well comlpain about it.

Manga of the Month August

It's taken me quite a bit of thinking to choose what manga to review this month..... I wanted to review a shonen (boy's manga) as I've been talking a lot about shoujo manga for a while. But I just can't help myself. I have been holding myself off ranting about 'Nana' for a long time and I think now is the time to do so... only because I'm so upset that the new chapters have not been released yet :(

Well, 'Nana' is my all time favourite manga drawn and written by the prestigious Ai Yazawa. There is only one manga of hers that I haven't read, she is to me, nothing short of amazing. Her drawing style is very unique, but in each of her different works there is distiniction, I think she did best in 'Nana'.

The manga is sorta a fashion manga as it experiments with different types of clothing styles and has everything from the punk to the baby. I have met people who have started reading this series and stopped, because they got all 'emo-ified' so it can seriously grip you. For those of you who are pretty inclined to adddiction, maybe you should stay away from this one then.

'Nana' is about two women who are both called Nana and they're friendship, however, they are very different and come from very cross-dimensional backgrounds (not literally). One of them was in a normal family unit, pampered and loved, while the other was abandoned by her mother and left to live with her grandmother, who died when she was 15, so she had to start caring for herslef at a very young age.

I could spend hours and hours typing out the storyline, but that would ruin everything for you, so I'll stop here.

Just Joking :p I won't let you off that easy.

The main thing that one should know when considering this manga though, is that despite the unusual storyline, it depicts life and human relationships in its true and realistic form. There are disappointments, there is sadness, and betrayal. Things that do occur in life.

I like this manga the most, not because I'm a mad fan of the mangaka, but because you see the maturaion of the pampered Nana, she adjusts to the hardships of life that she had been too childish to understand of before, and more than anyone in the the entire series, she is the one that scarifices most for what she believes is right.

For those manga haters for the sake of ignoring my rants, the series has also been made into a film (with real life 3d human beings) I haven't watched it as nothing can be as good as the origiinal right? But this picture looks pretty good that it seems promising.

Dessa's Daily morning.

Something funny happened a couple of days ago and I thought it would be a good way to kick me back into the rhythm of blogging. I'm sorry that I haven't updated about the operation front as I'm sure all of you are absolutely DYING to find out how it went (thanks to all those of you who sent me texts a.k.a carol, mo and sabah :D) but take heed of my pathetic post for now. I promise to improve later.

I am in the bathroom washing my face (Clean and Clear exfoliating scrub- very good!) and about to change and get ready for prayer. Then Miss. Short Fuse knocks on the door saying 'I want to go to the bathroom' and like the push-over that I am, I reply 'okay' and leave immediately. I have learnt in the Dessa household that amoung a bunch of headstrong people, the inclusion of a push-over personality is crucial to maintain a thread of peace in the war state we call a family life.

Resuming to our little story, Miss Short fuse had displaced me in the bathroom, my clothes were on the toliet lid ready for me to change into, and I saw without so much as flinching, Miss Short Fuse wiping the clothes off the toilet lid and onto the floor without even looking, as though the last thing in the world that she could ever bother to think about was the consideration of the push-over she so glamourously pushed over.

I was and still am a pushover, hence I made no action to correct this severe flaw in personality, I just went back to my room with a towel drying my face. A while later Miss Short fuse exited the bathroom, hence I entered instead, and what do I find? My clothes still lying unceramoniously on the floor. The push-over broke free of her cage:

Dessa: Oi! You left my clothes on the floor!

Miss. Short fuse: No, you did.

WHADAFA??????????????????????????!!!!!!!

Dessa: What the hell?! why would I put my own clothes on the floor you fool!

Miss. Short Fuse: oh......*gapes like a goldfish as dawning realisation covers her face*

We both erupt laughing, It's great when an angry situation suddenly becomes comical to both parties :D

Dessa: I saw you throw my cloths on the floor you idiot!!!! How dare you take over the bathroom from me, then dump my clothes on the floor then say I did it!

Miss Short fuse: But I remembered you doing it!

Dessa: You're a retard. *at this point, Miss. Short Fuse had already reached the stair case*

Miss Short Fuse: Yeah, yeash.

Dessa: GET MY CLOTHS OFF THE FLOOR!

Miss Short fuse: Oh my god! look what you're making me do!!!! *she moves back to the bathroom and starts to pick up my clothes, this by the way is unbelievable as she wouldn't normally do this at all* soooo much effort woman!

Dessa: *overcome with rage as Miss. Shot fuse once again decends the stairs* You! Yo- you! YOU BITCH!

And we both erupt laughing again as my swear echoed down two sets of stairs and well into every room of the house... Funnily enough, I didn't get into trouble as the laughter mixed with anger obviously confused the inmates of the house.

In preperation to be anaesthetised

I address you my dear audience to remind you, probably for the 11th time, that I shall be undergoing a nasal operation on Wednesday, or a 'Nose job' as some of you have kindly renamed it.

Funnily enough I'm not scared or nervous, I guess a lot of things have already happened to me and I simply gained immunity to fear in regards to hospitals. But the last time I was ready to be anaesthetised was when I was 13 about to get my gums cut open in order to pull out a tooth that decided to take residence on my chin. I remember being so nervous I even told my dad of a makeshift Will I had scratched together in my head, an hour before reaching the hospital.

I'm more nervous of having a swelled up face and purple nose for a while than actually being unconscious. I also have no idea how mobile I'll be, apparently any bone tampering with the nose is sensitive for the patient. So I might not be able to write anything for a while :(

I'm also going to have to spend a night over at the hospital... and am rather uneasy, I despise the smell of hospitals... it's half way between the smell of puke and the smell of antiseptic how am I going to be able to sleep among that?

In preparation for my '2 weeks of bed rest' I am going out with a friend tomorrow, she'll be leaving the country for a while so I'd like to spend some time with her fora while.

I'll write a bit more on manga after my operation as I think the blog needs a bit of colour.

Well, adios amigos!

Oh what a topsy turvy world we live in!

BREAKING NEWS!!! I have stopped reading manga! Well, it's only temprorary, I simply can't find a good manga to read, I'm considering going back to some of the old series I found too long to continue reading.

Instead I have taken up cooking, I've found this highly beneficial as it structures my day and I end up moving alot more than one would sitting at a computer all day.

Somehow, miraculously... I have lost weight! I do not know how I did it and wish someone would tell me where I went right. Perhaps it was cus I ate less or moved around a bit more, or spent 10 hours a day sleeping (10 hours less eating). But this sudden happiness left me when I realised that scales do not all express the same results, and I could be any weight. I really have to buy a digital weight scale, I think that would be the closest to accuracy I could get to.

I made JAM! it's so frustrating because you end up thinking it'll never finish while your cooking it, but I was so proud of it in the end, however, it looks like it'll never get eaten. So I made strudel last night with it in order to force the family to eat the damn stuff, however, the pastry didn't get cooked well enough and I got scolded at for putting too much jam (you'd think I'm five years old).

I'm soo tired!

'Is this dying?'

Well, I've been meaning to get this particular memory of mine typed down on solid software but I just never got round to doing it, there are quite a few reasons as to why I didn't get round to doing it, the main reason is: because I'm too damn lazy.

This memory of mine starts way back from 2 summers ago when I had a rather bad allergic reaction to the not-so-dramatic food; sesame seeds, I found out when I got back home that it was actual an Anaphylactic shock and I must take extra care not to encounter seseme seeds again. It wasn't even the sesame seeds I ate but the oil processed from them that I ended up in-taking. I find it quite embarrassing, that one of my major weaknesses in this world is the very pathetic sesame seed.

Me, my dad, Miss. Short Fuse and Miss. Pain-in-the-Ass were in Egypt visiting our family and stuff, the days were very unstructured, we didn't know when we would wake up, sleep, or eat. It was an unpredictable time. Once we hadn't eaten till 11 o'clock at night (bear in mind we didn't eat breakfast either) and Dad had planned with a friend of his for us to spend an hour on a boat cruise with his family. So we left the boiling hot flat we were in at around 11 that night and went to eat dinner at a restaurant, I guess I must've known something would happen that night, when we entered the restaurant, there were four buckets of the deadly oil around the chef that stood just outside the restaurant that served passers by.

So despite warning the waiter several times of my allergy, I still managed to bite into a sandwich with the oil and I naturally gained a reaction consisting of an awful stingy sensation around my lips and mouth in addition to an unreachable itch at the back of my mouth. I told Dad what I was feeling and refused to eat anything else, I waited till the others had finished and we all left the restaurant to join the crowded stuffy streets of Cairo.

On our way walking towards the river bank, we stopped by at a McDonald's (funny how they're everywhere) and bought an ice-cream (even though I don't really count them as ice-cream but more some form of synthetic milk) to calm down my allergic reaction as I've always found that diary products especially milk helps to calm it down a bit. After eating the fake-ice-cream I did find myself pretty normal, I no longer had the awful stingy feeling in my mouth anymore, which must be a good thing.

Five minute later I could feel a hard pressure in my lip, I asked Miss. Short Fuse and Miss. Pain in the Ass if there was anything peculiar on my face, they probably had had enough of me and my stupid allergic reactions for the day so they both said there was nothing wrong with me, my worries were rejecting their declarations so I checked myself in my pocket hand mirror, and I was shocked to find a huge lump growing on the side of my lip near the corner of my mouth. The strange thing was; there was no stingy sensation at all, almost immediately after this realisation I felt a similar hard pressure around the corner of my eye, three minutes later and there was a huge lump of swelling around my right eye. Soon after that (we were still walking towards the river bank) I was hearing a buzzing in my ears and a general systemic feeling of unease and shaking took over me.

It doesn't matter what happens to you, its only when you start hearing things that you truly get worried. So for the fifth time that evening I approached my dad and earnestly asked him if we could head back, expressing very clearly that I was worried and scared of a sensation that was taking over me that I was really not comfortable with. He told me to calm down and not panic (I was close to that state) and that If I don't calm down things will only get worse. Looking back now, I shouldn't have gotten upset with this decision, it's better to stay calm, but I did honestly feel that the scale of my worries were just not being taken into consideration.

So we continued walking, five minutes after talking to my dad, my eyes and lips were completely swollen, my heartbeat had increased to such a rate that I could hear my pulse pounding like mad in my ears, the buzzing was getting louder, my breathing was getting tighter, I couldn't breath enough air into my lungs, it was not getting into my chest, there was not enough! The pressure in my head was unbearable, like an unlocatable obstruction somewhere in my head that pushing on all sides of my skull.

When I got to the point of wheezing I couldn't walk properly, my dad had to support me as I was just managing to drag my legs on the ground, with him supporting my weight I tilted my head back in order to open up my throat to the air we take so much for granted and gulped as many breaths into my impenetrable lungs as I could. The next opportunity we found to sit down (there are no traffic lights, benches or bins on the streets of Cairo) I took, and kept my head down instinctively (it is great that God created us to point our head down to get blood to our brain when feeling drowsy). After a few minutes I managed to catch my breath, I didn't want to move but my family were beckoning and encouraging me to carry on walking/semi dragging my feet.

1 minute after we resumed our walk, my entire body was shaking, I was gasping for breath like there was no tomorrow, my heart felt like it was crashing against my ribs and my pulse was pounding in every inch of me. Now this is the bit where I can't really remember what happened I was too dizzy and shaking to think clearly but I remember feeling like to throw up (just when you didn't think it could get worse), I remember mumbling that I needed to throw up and I was holding against the bars of some fence just hoping it would all stop. My dad just said 'throw up' and out of all the fuzzy things going through my head I find it quite funny that I thought 'How could I throw up in the middle of the street Dad!' Luckily I didn't throw up, but instead I sat down (my Dad was complying with every request I was making at this point, and we had thankfully stopped walking).

The only place to sit down was on the edge of the pavement, so I sat and held my head down, trying to catch my breath and stop gulping for air, and I remeber thinking 'Is this dying?' and I distinctly remember thinking how I'd rather die for this all to stop (you re not really thinking straight when you're in that situation).

I remember my dad sitting next to me and telling me not to put my head down, I am too used to doing what he says and I never argue back, that I just put my head back up.

I fainted.

I saw my mother in a vision I had, she was (and still is) beautiful and her smile just shone so brightly that it instantly mad me happy, her hair was flowing around her shoulders like it used to when I was a child, and she was in my grandmother's garden next to a flower bush and the sun shone on the vivid green leaves.

My eyes opened. The first thing I noticed was that I couldn't hear anything (two things that scare you is when you start hearing strange things and when you don't hear anything at all). But slowly the sound was buzzing back, like an out-tuned record turning back to normal. So when I could hear my dad (who's lap my head was resting on) I automatically said 'I can hear you Baba' as if to make sure that he understood my hearing was okay.

He gave me a hug and continued commanding Miss. Short Fuse (who was also next to me).. which was to take off my scarf!!!! I was too drowsy to do anything to stop them, and it did feel very tight around my throat, but almost as soon as they took it off I told them to put it back on , so they loosely put it back on my head so that most of my hair was covered.

I am eternally grateful to the stranger that donated his half bottle of warm water to me. It was the best form of human kindness that can ever be given, that water was like gold to me then. You see, when anything medical like this happens in Egypt, there is not a reliable ambulance system to help you (we take the NHS for granted) so there was just a little crowd of people asking if they could help me and my dad. Luckily I was only out for a minutes and my dad was with me the whole time, he called his friend (the one we were walking to meet up with) and he came with his car, I remember my dad shouting on the phone as if it was his friend's fault I was allergic to sesame seeds (I hope you can understand why I feel pathetic towards sesame seeds now).

Miss. Pain-in-the-Ass was crying, I don't know when she started, but she was definitely crying, there were a lot of messy emotions going on with her I'm sure: she never took my allergies seriously. But I hold no ill will or grudge with her, her tears are an obvious form of regret and love.

Five or 10 minutes later the car was there (a jeep that holds many childhood memories to me) and we all sat inside, two seconds later I was feeling wheezy again and asked to lie down, so they positioned themselves so that I could lie down on top of them. My dad had ran away for 2 minutes to buy some Ventolin from a nearby pharmacist (as I was stupid enough to carry a pocket mirror but not my inhalers with me) and I think I took 6 puffs of it, oh my goodness! You'd never understand the relief that it is to feel unconstrained and breath easily again! It is a beautiful thing!!!!

Soon we were back at the flat and the two girls gave me hugs, I looked at myself in the mirror and I was awful! My entire face and neck and ears had swollen so I looked like a tomato with slits for eyes (similar to Voldemort actually) the bridge of my nose disappeared too as it had all swollen up, so I did look like the Mediterranean version of Voldemort. Either way, I did not look like myself, I still didn't look like myself until the afternoon the next day.

I'll never forget how everyone was so tentative with me, especially my Dad, when me and the girls were alone, they both remarked heavily how panicked and worried my dad was while I was ill. That always makes me cry, even till now, because no matter how much you complain about your family and no matter how much they aggravate you and no matter how much you just want to get away from them, there is an irreplaceable attachment to them that may seem invisible, but it's there. I slept that night in peace.

Well, there it is. You know how to kill me, but please, shoot me instead.

An Unfortunate Event

I was told recently that I'm doing no help to the family considering I'm at home all day, so i've taken up the cooking responsibilities, and I'm really enjoying it actually! Only up to the point where it gets laid onto the table and no-one comes down to the dining room to eat it.

Yesterday I was starting to get ready for cooking, I was trying to pull out one of the big bowls from the back of the cupboard, the thing is, I ended up breaking the china.

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The next thing I hear is a sound of crashing and around my feet are some of the best china plates we have.. broken! BROKEN! I wanted to DIE! The plates were broken! BROKEN!!! They had little gold patterned flowers on them.. and they were broken!!! BROKEN! THE GUILT!!! Then the next thing I thought was 'mum's gonna kill me'.

'It not your fault' said my grandma behind, me, surveying everything (her favourite hobby),
'Mama's gonna kill me!!!' I whispered under my breath, I was happy that my grandma was trying to make me feel better, but I started doubting her intentions after the next few things she said...

'Dey from turkey!' at this statement I felt like I was sinking in cold water... If they were from turkey that meant they were old china.... as in, from 50 years ago.... as in, unreplaceable, and just when I thought things couldn't get worse, my grandma kept repeating that the plates were from Turkey and gave a little history on it.

Miss. Short Fuse came into the Kitchen and saw the mess and gave me a bit of a telling off, because she evidently thought I was remorseless and needed a few more emotional lacerations ontop of everything else. But I decided then that I would tell mama and take it on like a woman.

So I scavenged the plates that did break and put them safely away from the Destructive Dessa. I cleaned up the mess and put the wreckage into a plastic bag, grimacing everytime I heard the sound of the pieces clanging against each other.. highlighting my sin.

I cooked the dinner, and just in time for Miss. Short Fuse before she went to work, and told mum about the plates, surprisingly she was actually calm about it. It looks like my grandma told her what happened, I can imagine her grinning while saying it (she likes to grin at strange situations). Mum gave me a hug and said it wasn't my fault.

I'm not voluntarily open to my mum, but it's strange the power mothers have, the moment she gives me her motherish hug, I open like dam, and spill everything. I hope I have that power one day.

Tomorrow I get my results, so prepare from some waterworks, I'm giving it no thought at all that my subconscience mind is scaring me a little and makes me think that in the back of my head and deep in my soul, hope had died.

Well... what can I do?