What am I doing here?

In part of my research for a career in law (random I know) I attended a recruitment presentation for on of the major city law firms around. I was full of aspiration and naiitivity (me in a nutshell).

So after examining my very tiny new USB stick. I entered the auditorium where this very important presentation was about to be carried out in. I sat down next to a chinese girl in a really nice baige top and it was a really pretty top!

The presentation started. It didn't really have much infor about what Clifford Chance do or what they want from their graduates, but it was mainly all about how great they are and how reachable they are, and how bloody friggin nice they are.

That did not put me off, what put me off was during the drinks part of the session, the trainee graduates there takled lovingly about the long hours and the toughness of a GDL course. No-lies there.

That only put me off, what really put me off, was waiting for the jubilee line at Canary Wharf station, amongst sleazy suited men talking on their mobile phones and bitchy women who are able to save seats for sleazy suited men by keeping their expensive purses on the seat beside them but can't let a grey haired-backpacked man sit down. I just felt in the wrong place, all the time, I just felt wrong. And then I thought:

What am I doing here?

I don't want to be earning loads of money and acting so uncharitable and dress sleazily! I want to do something worthwhile! I want to achieve loads, I want a ward named after me. I want to write a book! I don't want to go through so much trouble for a job that I'll be in for so long that I won't have any time to spend the amazing amount of money, or indeed have a life.

But then I think: why get a job? I am not living independently, nor do I maintain my own costs, where's the motivation? I guess it'll be for the children I have not met yet, for them I suppose I must do anything, even sacrifice my own aspirations.

I'm so confused! And stretched, and disorientated! My mind cannot rest in Peace, I have shouted out in my sleep from all the entrapment I endure during dreams, I can't seem to be peaceful within myself.

I hate career planning, it sucks, just like working life.