Want to hear a secret?

I have recently been spending some of my time today to look for jobs, something I've tried to postpone for as long as possible, because I know I'll get depressed by my lack of experience, brains and confidence. But I finaly got myself to those search options when I came across a manga where the main character watched anime 2 days straight because she was heart broken. Then I thought to myslef... omg I'm acting like some pitiful heartbroken girl and I'm still single, moreover; I've been treating job rejections as though they were some form of lost romantic love?!!!?

Once I had made this horrid self realisation about the way I've been spending my days, I thought I should face the music and look for some form of employment. But omg it's so hard to make myself look and face the music!!! I can't find anything I like even if I could find something I could do! I simply lack the motivation and drive to look for jobs.

Then I made another self-realisation, or rather re-discovery as I think I've always known this thing about me but didn't really want to own up to it; I always focus my total concentratiuon when ever I draw or write. It's the only thing that manga can't get in the way of. I could draw for days and weeks and years. And I'd love doing it. I'd get stressed out if there was a paticular deadline, but I would still love it. So I know a huge part of myself wants to just draw and write, and I would feel so honoured for it if I got paid while doing it. Because it's something I love.

But lets look at the practical aspects here. A girl with a science degree, from a science family, with an incredibly overly-logical father simply won't be able to even express her desire of drawing/writing professionally let alone actually draw/write proffessionally.

So here comes the typical filmic dilemma: get a job that you'll be bored an stuck with for the rest of your life to make money and carry on living the same boring life. Or 'live the dream' and draw forever and ever!? Make a name for yourself in history and make sure you can somehow change the world with your writing!?

This is simply a case of practically vs passion.

Passion never wins. But why don't I take a gamble?

Because I don't gamble, or take risks, I've always played it safe, always stuck by the rules, never been spontaneous.

But I don't like being tied down to an organisation either and being another face amoungst the crowd. I seriously want to make an impact to society, I want to be the person talking to the crowd. I don't like being restrained to a set schedual everyday. I want to plan my own days and make my own rules.

So what do I do? Play it safe, or face a hell of a lot of drama to do what I want to do?

I have lost my inability to care!

A strange talent is the ability to just not care or bother about the petty things in life, and sometimes the big things in life.... It can sometimes help maintain sanity.

BUT! Now I have realised that over the past 2 years I have lost this inability to care, and I've become so up-tight about the most stupidest of things.. they're so stupid that I can't even remember what they are... This has resulted in me being more angry, uncomfortable and sensitive.

Hmm... I need to stop caring/bothering/noticing again, how best should I try and regain this talent???

How to break off a bad habit?

You simply start a new one. This my dear audience, is my theory in life. And like all theories, it has no solid proof to become a fact. The reason my theory has no solid proof to become fact, is because it is a stupid theory. Actually, it's a VERY stupid theory, it's so stupid, that I've wasted four days with the strong will in the morning to 'do some hard core work' but end up at 9 o'clock in the evening still reading manga from the 'oh just one chapter won't hurt' instinct- another stupid theory.

So what do you do when you've read 50 chapter of an awsome manga that you can't put down but need to put down in order to collect some form of life energy in you? You simply start a new manga to throw off the first: BAD IDEA. You're better off sticking to the first one because now you have 2 full on Bad Ass mangas to read. Consider this an iteration that continues on for 4 days, this equals to: total watse of time.

However! (and this is where my manga pride kicks in) I love it when I come across those deep social and emotional manga that has the ability to inspire new found ambititions in one's rotten soul! I came across this manga today:
It's called Solanin, and it's drawn pretty realistically, there's no faffing about with idealistic characters, everyone is falwed and human. It's about this young woman who gets fed up with the encaging oppression of her job (but that's the same with everyone isn't it?), which is a typical office job, common in Japan. So she quits and understands that the unconstrained boredom of freedom is just as bad as the oppresion she was suffering from in her employment.

A very good read, the comedy is perfect and the drawings are pretty unique, it's targeted towards an older audience, but this is the stuff that I think manga should ultimately be about: lives of the people that read it. For people who are bored and unhappy with life I think this is the manga that works for you :)

when you're feeling fat...

I went to see the doctor today... and I can officially say that I have the heaviest weight recorded in flmaindessa weight history.

That is actually a depressive thought becuase I have eaten or slept properly for the past week. and I was under the dellusion of feeling less fat lately.

I wanna cry! But at the same time I'm worrying about so many other things that my weight is the last thing that is on my mind. Such as getting a 2.1 (another impossible delusion), getting a job (don't get me started), keeping the house clean (just plain impossible) and trying to stay happy so I can seem less up-tight on the oustide....

And then the doctor went on and said IT! The O-word!!! 'OBESE!' ><

'I don't want you to gain anymore weight than what you are now' he friggin says 'I don't want you to become obese because that complicates everything else'

BLOODY FRIGGIN HELL! have some sensitivity on a poor lady's ego will ya!

I Just wanna write!

I want to write the most amazing and inspiring stories that sweep you away into the impossible realm of 'opinion changing' one day. I really do. I thought I could use this blog to do exactly that but I'm going through a mental lock down right now because I just can't seem to get myself to do anything worthwhile. Like work.

So in order to fill that huge void of boredon, which we earthlings call time and those physicists call the 4th dimension, I read an enourmous amount of manga... I even re-read older ones that I've read before! I'll give a review of the ones wroth being read later(yes I read crappy ones too... I am that lame). So you have a post to look foreward too! YAY! I'm so grateful to my non-existent audience, I really am :|

I should mention that it took me YEARS to learn how to spell an adjective with -ful at the end, I always spelt it -full. It drove my mum mad, and that's saying something cus me and my family had already driven her mad. Yes ppl! I was that devillish 2 year old child you all don't want to bear.

I'll leave it at that. The Flamin Dessa over and out! :D