It's been over a month.......

I feel so guilty that I have deserted my blog for over a month. I'll make this a long post filled with adjectives to make up for my lack of writing.

Well, a lot of things have happened, here's an overview, lets say... an introduction:

1. I had an exam, I know hate a researcher called Braak who lives in Germany and who I have never met.
2. I had a surprise birthday party with fake wine glasses.
3. I baked carrot cakes for people who probably don't deserve cakes.
4. I watched a variety of films this Christmas holiday
5. I stressed out about my future life/career. Again.
6. I was given a telling off by Miss. Short fuse that reduced me to tears.
7. I drew a calligraphy card for a friend of Miss. Short Fuse, and I'm quite proud of it actually.
8. I'm annoyed at our pompous mayor of London for increasing the stupid tube prices... again.
9. I went to a pathology museum with Miss. short Fuse and Miss. Hepburn, and felt really stupid as we all guessed what different organs were.
10. I completed my annual 'tidy up my room' session.
11. I failed to do a December Manga of the Month :(

Now lets get to details.

1.I studied really hard for a 'timed essay' (exam) which was on the pathology of Parkinson's disease, well that's what the organiser's old us, and they are liars. It wasn't on the pathology, it was on staging of pathology, and the stupid lecturer was the 'famous brave one' to stand up to the father of Parkinson's Disease (Braak) and say his staging was crap. so what does he do? he sets the bloody exam on his favourite paper all about how braak was wrong and his tests were done badly. and what do the students do? They study on PD pathology.. why? because that's what we were told to do!!!! GAAAAAAAAAAAAH! All in all, I didn't do very well. At all.

2. The surprise birthday party was a very rare time where my birthday actually got celebrated, and it was also rare because I was happy. I had gold and silver candles on my chocolate cake, with plastic wine glasses and Mr. Kipling angel slices :D there was also dancing, provided by our very own Mr. Fullah and Mr. Kon, it was a wonderful spectacle to see as they were both in unison despite their height differences. Then came the singing... oh dear, I think I was little over exuberant now that the cake and fizzy drinks are out my system, and I whole heartedly regret my actions.. I think I should swear an oath never to sing again. There were presents! can you believe that! I got presents! i usually get presents but their usually from my sisters and something mad from my mum, and that's about it. but for once I actually got presents! It was wonderful! I got scrabble (a brave attempt to correct my spelling habit) and a graphic novel that I finished reading the next day, in addition to some extremely bright gloves, a cute little jewellery box and a newspaper for my grandmother who rejected the idea of reading, unfortunately.

3. I love carrot cakes, and I baked one for my neuroscience peeps, and I just feel like I'm usually left out when we're all sitting together, like I have to fight to say something, maybe it's just my psychotic allergy to being silent , maybe it's my attention seeking personality that dislikes it so, or maybe it's my paranoid self that just feels that everyone doesn't give a damn. I still have a long way to go in terms of socialising peacefully, I can't seem to get it right.

4. Films I watched this holiday (which I shouldn't have done) were District 13 (the main character is much more cooler than my hero- Josh Hartnett, and that's saying something), The holiday (one of the best chick flicks I've watched, and I don't usually like chick flicks). Tim Burton's the Corpse Bride (even though i have the DVD, it's still a really good film). Happy Feet (the story only started happening half way through the film, it does not deserve the high rating it has obtained). Pirates of the Caribbean 2 and 3 (I am now addicted to the Caribbean accent and hope to convert mine to it), I think that's all I watched... lets see what happens next year.

5. Stressing out about my career has also happened again, (it's a yearly thing), I think I just hate not knowing what's going to happen to me, it feels dark, and I don't like that. Unlike last year, I am actually doing applications so we'll see how that goes, though, I never have much confidence, as usual.

6. Miss. Short fuse got very very angry because of me recently and said some rather harsh things, the worst part of it was, that what she said was true. It wasn't just gibberish that you don't mean when people are angry, it was actually meaningful, loaded words. I became hard and cold from her words, refusing to believe their full intensity, giving myself the excuse that she was angry and hence didn't know what she was saying. But she was right. When she had calmed down, we sat down and she spoke less harshly, but on topics that were strongly related to what she had previously said, that made me cry. Her steady voice telling me things I didn't want to hear but always knew. She concluded that I just missed some very valuable life lessons some where along the line and there's not much I can do about that now.

7. I drew a calligraphy and I just want to show it off because I quite like it, even though there are plenty of mistakes in it.
I also drew a card for a neuroscience peep that took ageeees, so here it is for those who are interested:
8. The price for a zone 1 single is now 1.80! next year they'll make it 3 pounds! what is happening to the world! don't you know students can't keep dishing out money to get to places! is their secret intention to stop us travelling or something? I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!

9. I went to a pathology museum, did you know, that pathology museum's are awesome! I can't see why anyone would get scared of it, I mean, sure there were a few feet and a black arm, but that was really only scary stuff. In the street, Miss. Short fuse, miss Hepburn and I played charades to pass the time, and Miss. Short Fuse got a little carried away, resulting in some dirty looks for onlookers... Miss. Hepburn's am was to make me understand what she was getting at, and sure enough I knew none of the films, she was acting out, I did do a 'happy feet' one, but they got it within 2 seconds.

10. My room is now clean, I finally have a chest of drawers so I won't have to fathom through my endless piles of folded clothes. The desk, once ridden with empty bottles, highlighters, candles and brochures, is now slightly empty.

11. I didn't do a manga of the month :( I haven't really read much manga in the past month, studies have finally taken priority, but I did start a few good ones and I'll chat about them later. The Saima story will also be written shortly.... or when I have time.

A series of Unfortunate events

After being rejected from yet another career open day this afternoon I thought I was in the mood to write about some unfortunate events that has happened to me lately.

1. It was a good morning, I woke up early and left the house with plenty of time to spare, I get to Wood Lane station and walk to the bus stop, despite the rain, I was okay. Then some idiot car driver drove quickly over this ultimately huge puddle and a wave of dirty rain water cascaded over this poor young woman, she just carried on walking looking drenched and thoroughly miffed. I on the other hand was proud of myself for getting to the bus stop 25 minutes earlier than usual, the annoying thing was that I had to wait 25 minutes for the bus to talk me to the hospital, for a rout that would only require 10 minutes to walk. Anyway, I get to the hospital and remember that I forgot which room I would be in, so I open my diary in a hurry as I'm already 5 minutes late, and in my diary, in red writing, it says: Charing's Cross Hospital. Oh dear.... so I call my friend. and yes she gives me directions for the computer room at the Charings Cross library, so I turn on my heel and go. I got there and hour late.

2. I bought my travel card on Monday morning, well I thought I did, and somehow got onto the bus, the driver let me pass through (nice chap). Then half way to my local station I remember that I did not finalise buying my travel card by touching my oyster card on the receiver again. So I thought i had lost about 44 pounds, this is entirely against my nature and in a frenzy I enquired about the money at the ticket office at my local station, and alhamdulillah, she confirmed I didn't lose anything.

3. I've had some of the most boring monotonous lecturers for the most harrowing diseases known to man, all of which are 3 hours long, it's been such a long time since I've had 6 hours of lectures in a day.

Confessions from the confused

I have just had my first 'timed essay' i.e. an exam. I have abosultely no idea how it went, it's like everything was so unorganised and confused, I still don't really know what the question meant.

All that I do know, is that I just wrote about absolutely everything that I could bring to mind. I have also learnt that I cannot afford to be behind any work anymore, and I think my unorganised nature came out.

What's done is done an I don't think I've failed, but I do hope I did well, though if that happens I'll be questioning how that happenned.

A happy new start :D

So uni has started, there's not much to talk about, it's all pretty much the same as the first week of my undergrad but this time I'm actually happy, prepared and motivated. The difference in confidence levels are also vastly different, and I feel a bit more solidly about where I stand, for the first time in my life I think I see a benefit from studying at Imperial.

I've made a few friends and now I'm happily chatting around my way around the group, I am, for some reason, hoping to make more male friends as I think I failed in that aspect of my undergrad life (I have some male friends, but most guys hate my guts).

It's so weird saying I'm a postgraduate student.

I forgot my brand new umbrella in one of of the hospital locker rooms and found it just an hour ago so I'm extra happy, despite the miserable rain.

The workload is no doubt intensive, but for some reason that only excites me, I have not felt like that in a loong time, I only ever focused on negative scenarios and fell out of optimism in every light of life. BUT NOW! I'm rearing to go and ready to knuckle down from the start. BRING IT!

I also have extra stuff planned out, I.e. keeping a personal journal, this blog, swimming, as well as the manga reviews (obviously).

So.... manga of the month shall be the next post. Get ready to ignore it.

A new life?

I shall be starting my first day at University on Monday. I'll be resuming my position of student again! Something I had been fighting against ever since I started my Bachelors. Ironically.

Many feelings are whizzing past me when I think about going back, some are anxiety and apprehensions, even foreboding, others are excitement, motivation and even a thrill....

I am most definitely not sad I am going back though.

There were many times during this summer that I really did lose hope and even my will to do something useful in this life. I guess when everything in your entire life you've ever done was simply study, then there really is nothing left when you feel like you failed at it. I guess I took my writing more seriously when I got the offer, so that I feel I had something useful and tangible to cling onto in case the first plan doesn't go so well.

I understand what went wrong during my bachelors, even though I did better with each of the years; I procrastinated too much, manga and chatting and generally giving up from the start. This time, I won't. I can't. there's no room to muck around anymore, but there never was either, I just realised that too late.

I have been deemed as anti-social. so what.

I'm fed up with having to comply with the way things are done by the majority, I want to do things my way, for me, I no longer give a damn about trying make others happy. I'm going to be a selfish b***h this year.

Sorry.

I have also decided that I need to make my friends slowly this time. My quickly attaching nature just doesn't help me out most of the time. But I find it really painful having to stay silent... I feel like I'm being ignored.

Well, I only need to buy some highlighters and a new pencil case, then I should be sorted.

Of surprises and Humiliation

I was at the grounds of my former education today. It was rather sad walking around and not expecting to bump into anyone I knew, there was a sort of loneliness to it.

I decided to enter my old building to pray, after which I went into the ladies toilets in order to get a tissue for my unpredictable nose. On my way to the tissue dispenser I was interrupted by a sudden blur and LO! It turned out to be Miss. Tooting! We were both so surprised that all we managed to say was 'AAAHH!!!' while pointing vehemently, the warmth of the moment was rather blunted as Miss. Tooting had to wash her hands, making me wait for the inevitable bone cracking hug filled with months of separation.

It was a staggered, yet wonderful surprise. We asked each other what we were doing in the specific building. I was also pleasantly surprised and rather amused that Mr. Grrr and other friends were in the very foyer that I had passed on my way to the restroom.

I got to see them and we were all happily surprised at the entrance of each others company. There was the usual 'How are you?'s a and 'How's life?'s questions I usually despise as there are only so many ways of answering them: 'I'm fine, I'm good, I'm scarred for life'. But today these questions were taken without complaint as I was genuinely happy.

I can't wait for next week where I will start my new (and improved) life as a Masters student. I just hope I'll be able to control the time I chat with them, I'll end up not working then!

My happiness was suddenly killed off by my appointment with a careers advisor. I was not apprehensive of this as I usually gain good advice and esteem on these visits. However, for some reason I was unlucky enough to be paired with Miss. Smileless, a stern woman who despised shaking my hand t our introduction or even sitting next to me during our meting. The detestable creature sat across from me and took her time assessing documents, a forged aura of superiority clouded her s she embarked on how 'poor' my English was (First time I ever felt like a freshy), how un-evidenced my skills were amongst other shortcomings. She even went so far as to accuse me of copying my work from someone else.

I had enough pride to have allowed a severe look of disgust on my face when she said this. Making her loose eye contact.

Living a life where I come across this sort of treatment all the time made me acquire some immunity to her 'civil' emotional beatings. However, I was very hurt. I believed there could have been better ways she could have portrayed her points. The entire meeting felt like I was back at school, being told off for homework I hadn't done, how this would affect my entire life and how I was doomed for failure.

I felt very insecure in that room with her, as though any armour I had was stripped away, leaving all humiliation exposed. It was very difficult for me to think 'this is for my own good, take on board what she has to say and focus on positivity'. It was so hard that my thoughts quickly changed to 'lets just get out of here'.

Looking back, she seemed very distrustful as she was the one who was late and made it sound like it was my fault for reducing the meeting from 20 to 15 minutes. She smiled once, that was when I left the room, as though giving me a vote of confidence. She even made it out as though I was supposed to have followed her step by step instructions in a leaflet I had never known she had written.

The meeting to me was a disaster, I came out feeling like an incompetent fool whose only purpose in life, is to try and fail, concurrently. I doubt this is the real job of a careers advisory service, aren't they supposed to guide and support you? Rather than step on and pulverise you?

Maybe I should have gone when I had more esteem or confidence, I'm fully aware that is what I vastly lack, and I guess meeting Miss. Smileless was a sensitive thing for my unconfident nature.

The great things about friends, is that they soak up your misfortunes without any damage to themselves and leave you feeling blissful again. That's why I'm very grateful for Miss. Tooting and Mr. Grr being there today. I would've remained on the verge of tears for the rest of the day otherwise.