I Remember

I remember when we used to drive back home from visiting my grandmother's house, it was late at night so me and Miss. Short Fuse lay down opposite each other in the back seats so that our feet were facing each other, I used to tickled her feet and she hated it! By the time we reached home, I always remembered someone carrying me into the house...

I remember when Miss. Short Fuse was so angry one morning when she was 7 or 8 that she threw a kitchen knife at me (a small one), it hit the bridge of my nose and nothing else, she got toooooold!

I remember when i dared to try and wake up Miss Pain in the Ass one morning for school... she slapped me with her windmill arms in her sleep.

I remember when my mum played with me after she brought me home from nursery.

I remember glazing a hand made pot with PVA glue in Year 6.

I remember laughing hard during one cold sahoor during Ramadan, while still trying to stuff food into my face.

I remember my mum asking me questions like 'What day is it today' and 'what is 9 plus 14' in a bid to make me wake up for school.. it was painful thinking.

I remember when me Miss. Short Fuse and Miss. Pain in the Ass made a sort of victory dance when we heard my dad finished his PhD, it was odd cus I didn't know he was doing one at the time, nor what a PhD was.

I remember crying for so long when Miss. Hepburn's mum told my mum over the phone that Miss. Hepburn couldn't come to my 8th birthday party.

I remember being really surprised when I was awarded 4th prize for best 'Wood Project' when I was 10, I still have the prize.

I remember listening to 'Numb' by linkin park in the year 11 common room with Miss. Eyebrows and Miss. Nozi jumping up and down to it.

I remember drawing to pass the lunch hour, I always forgot to eat my lunch.

I remember when Miss. Short Fuse got so mad when I threw her pen down the staircase, that she threw my Harry Potter book down the staircase too...

I remember being so nervous during my Year 3 Quran Competition, especially when the panel asked me to recite a sura I didn't know. I got second place, a Saudi girl got first. It was a Saudi school after all.

I remember openly reading Harry Potter 6 at the back of biology class during year 13 to a punch of listeners, I couldn't have been anymore obvious, I somehow got an A in that module.

I remember when Miss Short Fuse and I, from as early as I can remember, would fight tooth and nail for absolutely no reason, for hours on end. we ended up with red patches on arms and legs as well as several scratches. Mum just carried on washing the dishes. She once looked up when Miss. Pain in the Ass knocked out Miss. Short fuse's tooth.

I remember when mum would force all three of her daughters to wear matching clothes.

I remember learning how to do wadou at school through a song that I've forgotten.

I remember dad making me start writing arabic from the margin as I had a habbit of wandering from the page, making sure my 'rih' was appropriatly round so it didn't just look like a straight line. I remember how he tried to teach me how to pronounciate the vouels like the Dumma, i couldn't stop laughing when he tried to teach me that! I was 4 :D

I remember not being able to sleep before my first day of uni, I remember being completely mad that year. I now cringe in embarrassment everytime I remember those times.

I remember when me and Miss. Short Fuse were playing 'restaurant' with a bunch of mixed toys, and Miss. Pain in the ass asked to join, I said yes as long as she helped clearing up, she left almost immediately after we all finished playing.

I remember how much fun me and Miss. Short Fuse had when we made crowns and wands with super octagons and played 'Queens and 'babies' I was the queen, she was the baby. We had a parade in the living room with random blankets made as capes, not forgetting to wake our wands and keep our crowned heads high.

I remember racing with Miss. Pain in the Ass to pick up the ringing phone, mum always made sure she got there before us.

I remember so much more.... but I can't remember now.

Transport stories

Since the last time I post a lot of odd things have happened to me, mostly on my journeys home (which are really horrible might I add).

Firstly, I've noticed a lot of people spitting really randomly in the street, It really bugs me, because I, and other non-spitting citizens have the decency not to spit on the ground, and hence we should all keep our ground as clean as possible. It's like there's no respect for the ground we walk on! have some respect people! I mean, if we didn't have the ground we'd be.... groundless.

I really hate travelling home late, when I came back late from a careers event, some weirdo besuited fat Asian grey-haired man sat next to me in a 20% filled train, so there were seats far far away from me that would have been more appropriately filled, I was reading my newspaper so I didn't take much notice of it. He mumbled something like 'oh dear' and the next thing I knew his arm was on the back of my seat. HELL NO AM I LETTING THIS HAPPEN! So I get up immediately and walk away, I think he got embarrassed a lot, serves him right the creep. at least he didn't start talking to me about how I'm anti social, and I'm not living life.

While we're on the subject of creeps, a randomer added me on facebook, we had one common friend so I was afraid of rejecting him straight away, in case I had met him somewhere before, this is the message I sent him:

Dessa: Hey, I'm sorry if i've met you before, but i actually can't remember who you are. sorry if I've offended you!

This is how it turned out:

Randomer: Well im offended coz u dont remember me :( ..... so how can u fix it now ..

Dessa: Well, seeing as I've already committed offence, I don't think I'd mind inducing more. Due to the lack of any possible benefit to myself by making your acquaintance, I think I'll simply blank you out. So, bye.P.s. Stop adding random people. It's annoying.

Randomer: Easy girl :))) . Wel seeing that i have upset you. I donot mind accepting it and saying sorry! But trust me i never ment any thing like it to happen.Btw if you change your mind sumtime, will be nice to know you. May be if you are coming over for Nupsa Dinner on 20th tuesday?P.s. Life is too shot to be upset with somthing...Liv it to max and enjoy it. :)

I don't understand how talking to random people is supposed to enrich my life somehow.... I really hate that sort of behaviour. Is flirting all people ever live for? How boring.

Anyway, I really like buses, but when there's traffic, I do get pretty annoyed, cus it's not like you can read a book or pass time easily on a bus like you could do on a train, buses make you feel dizzy if you're reading something, and so, time is just soo sloooow. I think I've decided that city buses are much more fun than suburban buses.

Recently, I was on a bus on my way home, and all of a sudden I can feel something tugging on my scarf, I moved my head so that it could stop, and that's when I realised that a woman sitting next to her boyfriend had just tried to fiddle with my scarf! They didn't even say sorry or anything! In fact! they started discussing it pretty audibly! Then they started talking about how women have to put their hair in a bun and then put the scarf on top and some off spikes of hair might pop through the material. I was not some sort of object for them to discuss as though in an art exhibition... it was a really odd experience for me, for the first time in my life I sorta felt not human.

I was lost a few days ago on Fleet street, I was trying to get to Salisbury square and I ended up asking every besuited man on the street where it was, luckily for me, no one knew where it was.. was it some sort of hidden Narnia I would have to reach through a wardrobe? I think I ended up asking a high court Judge even... he sounded pretty impressive I must say. I eventually found the place but I was all red a flustered from walking quickly, so I was not really feeling too good at the time.

Well, that's about it for me. Till next time!

If you're interested in my life... read on.

It's been so hectic since the last time I posted, there's just been too much happening that I think I'll make one of my 'numbered' posts. Here goes:

1. Miss, Hepburn and I spent a wondrous day scanning graduate opportunities at a careers fair, we went to presentations and workshops, in addition to being given candy floss and harassment by 'Royal Mail', I even spoke to employers in Arabic! By the end, it looked like we went shopping with our numerous bags laden with brochures and free umbrellas. We decided to eat out as it was late in the afternoon and we were both hungry. I found an Iranian restaurant and pointed to it, regretting it later when Miss. Hepburn said I had inadvertently pointed to two people making out instead.

2. I've had my first lectures of the year, they were horrible, I say that word deliberately, I'll say it again! THEY WERE HORRIBLE! I couldn't understand a single thing! By the end I became dizzy from constant ignorance on my side. I hope I'll be able to understand them some day :(

3. I've made friends at uni, they are nice people, we played a mind/card game called maffia where I realised that I resort to shouting a lot.

4. I went to a Law firm presentation where I panicked by the amount of alcohol available and the number of people, they made me feel welcome though as someone started to immediately talk to me, rather than other law firms where they just blank you out. The presentation and video itself were amazing, I was truly impressed by simply everything. I really want to work for them :D

5. I've dossed a bit with Miss. Black, it's fun being around her, I feel at ease and comfortable, but I'm not going to act too affectionately like I did before, that wouldn't be the right decision.

6. There was something else that happened and I can't remember what it was.....

7. I went out with uni mates to pizza express where we exemplified the true spirit of students by ordering 4 glasses of tap water.

8. I gave a tour of the main Uni campus to Mr. Matta, I rather enjoyed it and became pretty proud of the glass buildings I was so used to walking around. We had to go through hell trying to get his ID card done, we managed to do it but he had to unfortunately wait for the card to be made later.

9. I went out with Miss. Hepburn and some other medic friends like Miss. Pink and Miss. Ongalong, as well as Mr. King Kon and Mr. Chandler. We ate food and talked for ages and gossiped a little, as well as stalking good-looking ppl on mobile facebook! It was a very warm, happy time for me :D

10. I embarrassed myself at a university workshop... urgh.

How to be hyper in style.

You'll all be delighted to hear that I shall not be talking about manga of the month this time, (I promise you all I'll write it in the next post). Instead I'll be commenting on a wondrous evening I had recently.

Well, I ended up bizarrely in a rather drunken mode with Miss. Short Fuse last night, as we entertained ourselves by eating out in one of those random restaurants down our local high street that we never take notice of. I must say, the food was not very exciting, it was edible, but that's how far it went.

The waiter had unknowingly injected a humiliated feeling into both of our egos, when he gave us both bowls of warm water with ice and lemon, we obviously had absolutely no idea what they were for or what to do with them.. should we drink the water? Were we supposed to clean our hands with it? Was it some sort of preservative for lemon slices? Was it a signal to leave because we were so uncultured that we shouldn't even be there?

I entreated Miss. Short Fuse for her consent to let me enquire after the strange articles, she stoutly refused, saying that we would only be highlighting our own ignorance.

I then told her that she, like most mad geniuses, hated owning up to their own ignorance and only hid behind a blanket of knowledge. She, being exactly as I had described, confessed, that yes, she was indeed a mad genius.

Bloody Brat.

Just as she had made me hold my peace, the same waiter swaggered along again and dropped a boat shaped bowl, empty, by my side, and said nothing. When the waiter was out of earshot, we cracked up laughing, wondering if they were going to give us any unheard of cutlery as well.

I ate a rather bulky spaghetti with mussels, it's unbelievable how many mussels were on it! It took up so much space as the shells had remained intact with the shrivelled form of seafood... and then! We found a purpose for the boat shaped bowl! I had ended up overloading the little bowl with all the mussel shells, that one of them fell to the floor! But you'd think with so many mussels there would be actual taste! No, I'm afraid there weren't. All that the spaghetti had to own for credit was random bulky chunks of garlic, again, amazingly with no flavour. The most flavour I got out of the meal was the raw parsley used for decoration.

I swear they put something in the food. I ended up continuously laughing with Miss short fuse, mainly due to her random acts that proved her lack of common sense and male-ish traits. These were when she ate hardly anything of her meal and claimed she was "so full" as well as when she kept pushing my chair with her feet, while nodding her head in silent open mouthed laughter, much as a boy does when he has heard something immaturely amusing.

I too had my odd remarks, having cut, bruised and blistered by good-looking feet at the hands of good-looking shoes, I complained how "the hardest part is shifting my weight from my butt to my feet" as I stood up from my chair.

Despite having walked through rain with no protection but her sodden jacket, Miss. Short Fuse demanded we buy ice-cream from KFC, remarking how we would be ending out day in style. Whilst shivering from the cold and chattering her teeth, Miss. Short Fuse made light of being made to wait long for her much needed frozen dessert buy acting as though high on caffeine, she trembled and shivered quite amusingly. What was most amusing was that by the time we had reached the end of the long que, in one of the most chaviest places around, for a much demanded and sought after ice-cream....

....the ice-cream machine was broken.

We decided to get over our heavy misfortune by taking a visit inside the lobby of our local theatre (we're quite lucky enough to have one), where we got overly excited about random plays to be shown, Miss. Short Fuse was so genius enough to ask me if these plays was to be shown in the very theatre we were standing in. I answered her that not many theatres advertise for other theatres.

On the way home, we were randomly discussing, rather audibley, what the best method of dying would be. Miss. Short fuse was also random enough to remark that with all my anti-salt-ness, how ironic it would be if I died of salt poisoning, I henceforth, clarified with her if me dying by the hands of salt poisoning was her particular wish in order to fulfill her point. 'Yes' she answered.

We've never been more loving sisters.

We eventually got home, in one piece, and had immediately sobered by the stern walls of our house.

I would like to personally apologise for any annoyance we may have excited.

A happy new start :D

So uni has started, there's not much to talk about, it's all pretty much the same as the first week of my undergrad but this time I'm actually happy, prepared and motivated. The difference in confidence levels are also vastly different, and I feel a bit more solidly about where I stand, for the first time in my life I think I see a benefit from studying at Imperial.

I've made a few friends and now I'm happily chatting around my way around the group, I am, for some reason, hoping to make more male friends as I think I failed in that aspect of my undergrad life (I have some male friends, but most guys hate my guts).

It's so weird saying I'm a postgraduate student.

I forgot my brand new umbrella in one of of the hospital locker rooms and found it just an hour ago so I'm extra happy, despite the miserable rain.

The workload is no doubt intensive, but for some reason that only excites me, I have not felt like that in a loong time, I only ever focused on negative scenarios and fell out of optimism in every light of life. BUT NOW! I'm rearing to go and ready to knuckle down from the start. BRING IT!

I also have extra stuff planned out, I.e. keeping a personal journal, this blog, swimming, as well as the manga reviews (obviously).

So.... manga of the month shall be the next post. Get ready to ignore it.

A new life?

I shall be starting my first day at University on Monday. I'll be resuming my position of student again! Something I had been fighting against ever since I started my Bachelors. Ironically.

Many feelings are whizzing past me when I think about going back, some are anxiety and apprehensions, even foreboding, others are excitement, motivation and even a thrill....

I am most definitely not sad I am going back though.

There were many times during this summer that I really did lose hope and even my will to do something useful in this life. I guess when everything in your entire life you've ever done was simply study, then there really is nothing left when you feel like you failed at it. I guess I took my writing more seriously when I got the offer, so that I feel I had something useful and tangible to cling onto in case the first plan doesn't go so well.

I understand what went wrong during my bachelors, even though I did better with each of the years; I procrastinated too much, manga and chatting and generally giving up from the start. This time, I won't. I can't. there's no room to muck around anymore, but there never was either, I just realised that too late.

I have been deemed as anti-social. so what.

I'm fed up with having to comply with the way things are done by the majority, I want to do things my way, for me, I no longer give a damn about trying make others happy. I'm going to be a selfish b***h this year.

Sorry.

I have also decided that I need to make my friends slowly this time. My quickly attaching nature just doesn't help me out most of the time. But I find it really painful having to stay silent... I feel like I'm being ignored.

Well, I only need to buy some highlighters and a new pencil case, then I should be sorted.

Of surprises and Humiliation

I was at the grounds of my former education today. It was rather sad walking around and not expecting to bump into anyone I knew, there was a sort of loneliness to it.

I decided to enter my old building to pray, after which I went into the ladies toilets in order to get a tissue for my unpredictable nose. On my way to the tissue dispenser I was interrupted by a sudden blur and LO! It turned out to be Miss. Tooting! We were both so surprised that all we managed to say was 'AAAHH!!!' while pointing vehemently, the warmth of the moment was rather blunted as Miss. Tooting had to wash her hands, making me wait for the inevitable bone cracking hug filled with months of separation.

It was a staggered, yet wonderful surprise. We asked each other what we were doing in the specific building. I was also pleasantly surprised and rather amused that Mr. Grrr and other friends were in the very foyer that I had passed on my way to the restroom.

I got to see them and we were all happily surprised at the entrance of each others company. There was the usual 'How are you?'s a and 'How's life?'s questions I usually despise as there are only so many ways of answering them: 'I'm fine, I'm good, I'm scarred for life'. But today these questions were taken without complaint as I was genuinely happy.

I can't wait for next week where I will start my new (and improved) life as a Masters student. I just hope I'll be able to control the time I chat with them, I'll end up not working then!

My happiness was suddenly killed off by my appointment with a careers advisor. I was not apprehensive of this as I usually gain good advice and esteem on these visits. However, for some reason I was unlucky enough to be paired with Miss. Smileless, a stern woman who despised shaking my hand t our introduction or even sitting next to me during our meting. The detestable creature sat across from me and took her time assessing documents, a forged aura of superiority clouded her s she embarked on how 'poor' my English was (First time I ever felt like a freshy), how un-evidenced my skills were amongst other shortcomings. She even went so far as to accuse me of copying my work from someone else.

I had enough pride to have allowed a severe look of disgust on my face when she said this. Making her loose eye contact.

Living a life where I come across this sort of treatment all the time made me acquire some immunity to her 'civil' emotional beatings. However, I was very hurt. I believed there could have been better ways she could have portrayed her points. The entire meeting felt like I was back at school, being told off for homework I hadn't done, how this would affect my entire life and how I was doomed for failure.

I felt very insecure in that room with her, as though any armour I had was stripped away, leaving all humiliation exposed. It was very difficult for me to think 'this is for my own good, take on board what she has to say and focus on positivity'. It was so hard that my thoughts quickly changed to 'lets just get out of here'.

Looking back, she seemed very distrustful as she was the one who was late and made it sound like it was my fault for reducing the meeting from 20 to 15 minutes. She smiled once, that was when I left the room, as though giving me a vote of confidence. She even made it out as though I was supposed to have followed her step by step instructions in a leaflet I had never known she had written.

The meeting to me was a disaster, I came out feeling like an incompetent fool whose only purpose in life, is to try and fail, concurrently. I doubt this is the real job of a careers advisory service, aren't they supposed to guide and support you? Rather than step on and pulverise you?

Maybe I should have gone when I had more esteem or confidence, I'm fully aware that is what I vastly lack, and I guess meeting Miss. Smileless was a sensitive thing for my unconfident nature.

The great things about friends, is that they soak up your misfortunes without any damage to themselves and leave you feeling blissful again. That's why I'm very grateful for Miss. Tooting and Mr. Grr being there today. I would've remained on the verge of tears for the rest of the day otherwise.

This day 10 years ago

This day 10 years ago, it was 21 degrees centegrade, I took my green jumper off because my seat in the classroom was in direct contact with the sun's rays; flooding the room through the windows with the broken blinds. I was sitting in one of my first math's lessons in my first week of being a high school student.

We were starting geometry.

I remember flipping through my brand new homework diary, and being all excited about my new educational environment and thinking to myself 'I won't foget this scene on the day of 9th day of the 9th month of the year 1999'. My memory kept true to my word.

Now it is ten years since that sunny day, I don't use geometry. But I reminice happily about a time full of carefree days where the only worry was finishing the homework I'd fogotten to do in the morning with everyone else in the school foyey, crouched down on the floor with books spread out everywhere.

Now I have finished my education, and sit doing nothing, but with less regrets than what I could have ended up with.

*sigh* oh well.

Dessa's Ultimately Mega Huge RANT!

I can't get sleep! Isn't this enough reason to rant? I hope my dear audience will oblige me one more time, in allowing me to rant my heart out.

1. I can't sleep!!! Oh... I've already said that. Well, I'm sure you can't actually understand the full extent of thse suferings with me saying it only twice, soo: I CAN'T FRIGGIN SLEEP! 'Why?' I hear you say, well, mostly because I have the most horrid thoughts plaguing me when my mind is ment to rest from all thought, these thoughts I'll be explaining later on.. but somehow my mind branched out to the vision of Gollum.. naturally no-one would even try to sleep when his ugly face is stuck in your mind.



2. I can't get a job! At the beginning of my job search, I said to myslef 'I can take a few rejections' and I was right, I can only take a few, not a heapful. It's not like I'm dying by these rejections, It's just been a very long time that I've been job searching and I have patience, but there has not been a shred of good news, just continuous darkness. There's only so much rejection I can take before my own esteem turns on me and shrinks the way water slips from cupped hands. As a result, I've become bitter, jealous and sour, refusing to communicate with friends, not wanting to go out or see anyone (I have Miss. Hepburn to drag me out though). I know my friends mean well when they ask me how life's going and what I have planned, but I feel so low about it that I blow off everyone who asks, afraid of what they might think or say...even though it can't possibly be worse than what's going through my own head. It's precicely what runs on my head that plaugues me so when I lie my head down to sleep, I feel so trapped by them, like they force me into a box of restlessness.



3. I'm stuck at home!!! I'm starting to consider being stuck at home for the past 3 and a half months as nothing short of punishment. With no intectual stimulus, my mind is actually rusting and diminishing, I'm worried I won't have two brain cells to rub together by the end (whenever that will be!) It is mainly for this reason I so want a job, just something to challenge me, to feel like a member of society, to make my brain function!

4. I'm so silent! I've taken to not really saying much at home, mostly because I feel lke I have to fight with Miss. Sort fuse's ears to work and listen to me. That's IF shes not already talking to one of her kazillion friends, (usually this is Miss. High Heels, but I like her, so it's all good). The efforts I've had to employ myself wih in order to be made heard by Miss. Short Fuse has resulted in a false reputation of being 'clingy'. Well excuse me! I'd try and vent my speech energy on Miss. Pain in the Ass, but like I've said before, she's incompatible with the human race (though deep deep deep deep deep down she's actually a nice person). So yes, I'm now a mute.

5. It's ramadan so I feel kinda guilty about ranting as I'm supposed to be calm and patient and forebaring :( Which I'm not exactly exemplifying right now... so yes, I'm feeling guilty ontop of everythng else.

6. I am unable to complete my writings. I have started 3 works of literature, and I simply cant finish them, which is a certain cause for annoyance to me. I think there are several reasons for this; the switching from plot to plot will obscure focus and so I am unable to think straight; I keep adding to plans and plots after I start writing, so it requires rewriting alot of the time and finally: I don't get enough time on the computer to write much.

In conclusion, I'm not too good, but I am happy it's ramadan, I hope my friends can understand a little of why I'm considered anti-social at the moment, probably for more than just at the moment (Mss.Tooting remarked this to me recently). But with Allah's help, things will get better ^_^

Dessa's Daily morning.

Something funny happened a couple of days ago and I thought it would be a good way to kick me back into the rhythm of blogging. I'm sorry that I haven't updated about the operation front as I'm sure all of you are absolutely DYING to find out how it went (thanks to all those of you who sent me texts a.k.a carol, mo and sabah :D) but take heed of my pathetic post for now. I promise to improve later.

I am in the bathroom washing my face (Clean and Clear exfoliating scrub- very good!) and about to change and get ready for prayer. Then Miss. Short Fuse knocks on the door saying 'I want to go to the bathroom' and like the push-over that I am, I reply 'okay' and leave immediately. I have learnt in the Dessa household that amoung a bunch of headstrong people, the inclusion of a push-over personality is crucial to maintain a thread of peace in the war state we call a family life.

Resuming to our little story, Miss Short fuse had displaced me in the bathroom, my clothes were on the toliet lid ready for me to change into, and I saw without so much as flinching, Miss Short Fuse wiping the clothes off the toilet lid and onto the floor without even looking, as though the last thing in the world that she could ever bother to think about was the consideration of the push-over she so glamourously pushed over.

I was and still am a pushover, hence I made no action to correct this severe flaw in personality, I just went back to my room with a towel drying my face. A while later Miss Short fuse exited the bathroom, hence I entered instead, and what do I find? My clothes still lying unceramoniously on the floor. The push-over broke free of her cage:

Dessa: Oi! You left my clothes on the floor!

Miss. Short fuse: No, you did.

WHADAFA??????????????????????????!!!!!!!

Dessa: What the hell?! why would I put my own clothes on the floor you fool!

Miss. Short Fuse: oh......*gapes like a goldfish as dawning realisation covers her face*

We both erupt laughing, It's great when an angry situation suddenly becomes comical to both parties :D

Dessa: I saw you throw my cloths on the floor you idiot!!!! How dare you take over the bathroom from me, then dump my clothes on the floor then say I did it!

Miss Short fuse: But I remembered you doing it!

Dessa: You're a retard. *at this point, Miss. Short Fuse had already reached the stair case*

Miss Short Fuse: Yeah, yeash.

Dessa: GET MY CLOTHS OFF THE FLOOR!

Miss Short fuse: Oh my god! look what you're making me do!!!! *she moves back to the bathroom and starts to pick up my clothes, this by the way is unbelievable as she wouldn't normally do this at all* soooo much effort woman!

Dessa: *overcome with rage as Miss. Shot fuse once again decends the stairs* You! Yo- you! YOU BITCH!

And we both erupt laughing again as my swear echoed down two sets of stairs and well into every room of the house... Funnily enough, I didn't get into trouble as the laughter mixed with anger obviously confused the inmates of the house.

In preperation to be anaesthetised

I address you my dear audience to remind you, probably for the 11th time, that I shall be undergoing a nasal operation on Wednesday, or a 'Nose job' as some of you have kindly renamed it.

Funnily enough I'm not scared or nervous, I guess a lot of things have already happened to me and I simply gained immunity to fear in regards to hospitals. But the last time I was ready to be anaesthetised was when I was 13 about to get my gums cut open in order to pull out a tooth that decided to take residence on my chin. I remember being so nervous I even told my dad of a makeshift Will I had scratched together in my head, an hour before reaching the hospital.

I'm more nervous of having a swelled up face and purple nose for a while than actually being unconscious. I also have no idea how mobile I'll be, apparently any bone tampering with the nose is sensitive for the patient. So I might not be able to write anything for a while :(

I'm also going to have to spend a night over at the hospital... and am rather uneasy, I despise the smell of hospitals... it's half way between the smell of puke and the smell of antiseptic how am I going to be able to sleep among that?

In preparation for my '2 weeks of bed rest' I am going out with a friend tomorrow, she'll be leaving the country for a while so I'd like to spend some time with her fora while.

I'll write a bit more on manga after my operation as I think the blog needs a bit of colour.

Well, adios amigos!

Oh what a topsy turvy world we live in!

BREAKING NEWS!!! I have stopped reading manga! Well, it's only temprorary, I simply can't find a good manga to read, I'm considering going back to some of the old series I found too long to continue reading.

Instead I have taken up cooking, I've found this highly beneficial as it structures my day and I end up moving alot more than one would sitting at a computer all day.

Somehow, miraculously... I have lost weight! I do not know how I did it and wish someone would tell me where I went right. Perhaps it was cus I ate less or moved around a bit more, or spent 10 hours a day sleeping (10 hours less eating). But this sudden happiness left me when I realised that scales do not all express the same results, and I could be any weight. I really have to buy a digital weight scale, I think that would be the closest to accuracy I could get to.

I made JAM! it's so frustrating because you end up thinking it'll never finish while your cooking it, but I was so proud of it in the end, however, it looks like it'll never get eaten. So I made strudel last night with it in order to force the family to eat the damn stuff, however, the pastry didn't get cooked well enough and I got scolded at for putting too much jam (you'd think I'm five years old).

I'm soo tired!

'Is this dying?'

Well, I've been meaning to get this particular memory of mine typed down on solid software but I just never got round to doing it, there are quite a few reasons as to why I didn't get round to doing it, the main reason is: because I'm too damn lazy.

This memory of mine starts way back from 2 summers ago when I had a rather bad allergic reaction to the not-so-dramatic food; sesame seeds, I found out when I got back home that it was actual an Anaphylactic shock and I must take extra care not to encounter seseme seeds again. It wasn't even the sesame seeds I ate but the oil processed from them that I ended up in-taking. I find it quite embarrassing, that one of my major weaknesses in this world is the very pathetic sesame seed.

Me, my dad, Miss. Short Fuse and Miss. Pain-in-the-Ass were in Egypt visiting our family and stuff, the days were very unstructured, we didn't know when we would wake up, sleep, or eat. It was an unpredictable time. Once we hadn't eaten till 11 o'clock at night (bear in mind we didn't eat breakfast either) and Dad had planned with a friend of his for us to spend an hour on a boat cruise with his family. So we left the boiling hot flat we were in at around 11 that night and went to eat dinner at a restaurant, I guess I must've known something would happen that night, when we entered the restaurant, there were four buckets of the deadly oil around the chef that stood just outside the restaurant that served passers by.

So despite warning the waiter several times of my allergy, I still managed to bite into a sandwich with the oil and I naturally gained a reaction consisting of an awful stingy sensation around my lips and mouth in addition to an unreachable itch at the back of my mouth. I told Dad what I was feeling and refused to eat anything else, I waited till the others had finished and we all left the restaurant to join the crowded stuffy streets of Cairo.

On our way walking towards the river bank, we stopped by at a McDonald's (funny how they're everywhere) and bought an ice-cream (even though I don't really count them as ice-cream but more some form of synthetic milk) to calm down my allergic reaction as I've always found that diary products especially milk helps to calm it down a bit. After eating the fake-ice-cream I did find myself pretty normal, I no longer had the awful stingy feeling in my mouth anymore, which must be a good thing.

Five minute later I could feel a hard pressure in my lip, I asked Miss. Short Fuse and Miss. Pain in the Ass if there was anything peculiar on my face, they probably had had enough of me and my stupid allergic reactions for the day so they both said there was nothing wrong with me, my worries were rejecting their declarations so I checked myself in my pocket hand mirror, and I was shocked to find a huge lump growing on the side of my lip near the corner of my mouth. The strange thing was; there was no stingy sensation at all, almost immediately after this realisation I felt a similar hard pressure around the corner of my eye, three minutes later and there was a huge lump of swelling around my right eye. Soon after that (we were still walking towards the river bank) I was hearing a buzzing in my ears and a general systemic feeling of unease and shaking took over me.

It doesn't matter what happens to you, its only when you start hearing things that you truly get worried. So for the fifth time that evening I approached my dad and earnestly asked him if we could head back, expressing very clearly that I was worried and scared of a sensation that was taking over me that I was really not comfortable with. He told me to calm down and not panic (I was close to that state) and that If I don't calm down things will only get worse. Looking back now, I shouldn't have gotten upset with this decision, it's better to stay calm, but I did honestly feel that the scale of my worries were just not being taken into consideration.

So we continued walking, five minutes after talking to my dad, my eyes and lips were completely swollen, my heartbeat had increased to such a rate that I could hear my pulse pounding like mad in my ears, the buzzing was getting louder, my breathing was getting tighter, I couldn't breath enough air into my lungs, it was not getting into my chest, there was not enough! The pressure in my head was unbearable, like an unlocatable obstruction somewhere in my head that pushing on all sides of my skull.

When I got to the point of wheezing I couldn't walk properly, my dad had to support me as I was just managing to drag my legs on the ground, with him supporting my weight I tilted my head back in order to open up my throat to the air we take so much for granted and gulped as many breaths into my impenetrable lungs as I could. The next opportunity we found to sit down (there are no traffic lights, benches or bins on the streets of Cairo) I took, and kept my head down instinctively (it is great that God created us to point our head down to get blood to our brain when feeling drowsy). After a few minutes I managed to catch my breath, I didn't want to move but my family were beckoning and encouraging me to carry on walking/semi dragging my feet.

1 minute after we resumed our walk, my entire body was shaking, I was gasping for breath like there was no tomorrow, my heart felt like it was crashing against my ribs and my pulse was pounding in every inch of me. Now this is the bit where I can't really remember what happened I was too dizzy and shaking to think clearly but I remember feeling like to throw up (just when you didn't think it could get worse), I remember mumbling that I needed to throw up and I was holding against the bars of some fence just hoping it would all stop. My dad just said 'throw up' and out of all the fuzzy things going through my head I find it quite funny that I thought 'How could I throw up in the middle of the street Dad!' Luckily I didn't throw up, but instead I sat down (my Dad was complying with every request I was making at this point, and we had thankfully stopped walking).

The only place to sit down was on the edge of the pavement, so I sat and held my head down, trying to catch my breath and stop gulping for air, and I remeber thinking 'Is this dying?' and I distinctly remember thinking how I'd rather die for this all to stop (you re not really thinking straight when you're in that situation).

I remember my dad sitting next to me and telling me not to put my head down, I am too used to doing what he says and I never argue back, that I just put my head back up.

I fainted.

I saw my mother in a vision I had, she was (and still is) beautiful and her smile just shone so brightly that it instantly mad me happy, her hair was flowing around her shoulders like it used to when I was a child, and she was in my grandmother's garden next to a flower bush and the sun shone on the vivid green leaves.

My eyes opened. The first thing I noticed was that I couldn't hear anything (two things that scare you is when you start hearing strange things and when you don't hear anything at all). But slowly the sound was buzzing back, like an out-tuned record turning back to normal. So when I could hear my dad (who's lap my head was resting on) I automatically said 'I can hear you Baba' as if to make sure that he understood my hearing was okay.

He gave me a hug and continued commanding Miss. Short Fuse (who was also next to me).. which was to take off my scarf!!!! I was too drowsy to do anything to stop them, and it did feel very tight around my throat, but almost as soon as they took it off I told them to put it back on , so they loosely put it back on my head so that most of my hair was covered.

I am eternally grateful to the stranger that donated his half bottle of warm water to me. It was the best form of human kindness that can ever be given, that water was like gold to me then. You see, when anything medical like this happens in Egypt, there is not a reliable ambulance system to help you (we take the NHS for granted) so there was just a little crowd of people asking if they could help me and my dad. Luckily I was only out for a minutes and my dad was with me the whole time, he called his friend (the one we were walking to meet up with) and he came with his car, I remember my dad shouting on the phone as if it was his friend's fault I was allergic to sesame seeds (I hope you can understand why I feel pathetic towards sesame seeds now).

Miss. Pain-in-the-Ass was crying, I don't know when she started, but she was definitely crying, there were a lot of messy emotions going on with her I'm sure: she never took my allergies seriously. But I hold no ill will or grudge with her, her tears are an obvious form of regret and love.

Five or 10 minutes later the car was there (a jeep that holds many childhood memories to me) and we all sat inside, two seconds later I was feeling wheezy again and asked to lie down, so they positioned themselves so that I could lie down on top of them. My dad had ran away for 2 minutes to buy some Ventolin from a nearby pharmacist (as I was stupid enough to carry a pocket mirror but not my inhalers with me) and I think I took 6 puffs of it, oh my goodness! You'd never understand the relief that it is to feel unconstrained and breath easily again! It is a beautiful thing!!!!

Soon we were back at the flat and the two girls gave me hugs, I looked at myself in the mirror and I was awful! My entire face and neck and ears had swollen so I looked like a tomato with slits for eyes (similar to Voldemort actually) the bridge of my nose disappeared too as it had all swollen up, so I did look like the Mediterranean version of Voldemort. Either way, I did not look like myself, I still didn't look like myself until the afternoon the next day.

I'll never forget how everyone was so tentative with me, especially my Dad, when me and the girls were alone, they both remarked heavily how panicked and worried my dad was while I was ill. That always makes me cry, even till now, because no matter how much you complain about your family and no matter how much they aggravate you and no matter how much you just want to get away from them, there is an irreplaceable attachment to them that may seem invisible, but it's there. I slept that night in peace.

Well, there it is. You know how to kill me, but please, shoot me instead.

A night out with Miss. Eyebrows and Miss. Kon

I had an enjoyable time with a few friends that I hadn't seen in a very looong time. I don't really like spilling out names as people should understand by now, so lets call one of them Miss. Eyebrows and the other Miss. Kon (HSM: I honestlty tried to think of something better but this came to my head).

Well, being arab, they came 3 hours late (I am not exaggerating), so Miss. Hiiiii looks much better in comparison. Our time was rather limited, however we did walk to my local(ish) high street and we tried getting milkshakes, the problem was that it was 10 o'clock and the milkshake bar had closed :( so we went into Odeon to get a Ben and Jerry's, and despite it being obviously closed, Miss. Eyebrows and Miss. Kon were still excited and made their way to the counter, probably about to spend another 3 hours deciding what to order (another Miss. Hiiiii trait), then the staff had to exclaim 'we're closed!' I was pretty embarressed at this moment, Miss. Short Fuse had accompanied us and was telling me to chill out, but this is simply out of my character!!!!! I turn around and find Miss. Eyebrows and Miss. Kon, like lost children, staring at a television monitor showing the CCTV footage of one of the cinema screen audiences.

Miss. Kon: Do you know what this looks like?
Miss. Eyebrows: What?
Miss. Kon: It looks like we're so cheap to watch a film, that we're watching the people watching a film!
All: laughter

I wanted to die of embaressment at this point. There was a general trend during the day to act like chavs, so we ended up going to Burger King. Considering I came for a milkshake, I bought a milkshake, the others got various foods, but while ordering Miss. Kon and Miss. Eyebrows did what they do best: harrassing the staff.

Well, they wern't really harrassing the staff but they were acting like creepy middle aged deseprate men, I slightly felt bad for the poor guy cus he looked really shy.

Miss. Kon: Where are you from, you look arab.
Till man: *averts eyes* (at this point I left the two girls to seek solice in Miss. Short Fuse)

.......some time after harrassing began.....

Miss Kon: Majid is a nice name
Miss. Eyebrows: Yeah like Captain Majid from the cartoon (Which is actually a Japanese Manga/Anime originally called Captain Tsubasa)
Miss Kon: *motions to me* Where do you think she comes from?
FlaminDessa: No! Don't get me involved! *motions to Tillman/Majid* I refuse for you to answer!
Tillman: *averts eyes* ..........................

All this time Miss. Short Fuse was in shock as I remarked to her that the situation that was playing in front of our eyes was usually in a reverse order: a creepy guy at the till trys to chat up the customers and it ALWAYS starts with 'where are you from?'. When we had informed the two culprits about what their actions seemed to outsiders, they cracked up laughing, and seemed to enjoy this revelation of their personalites. Funnily enough, they were also contemplating harrassing the other tillman.

We were talking shit (I tend to end up doing that with friends alot) and then suddenly a bunch of girls cam into the Chav restaurant and started throwing stuff at this loner guy, and in the heat of the moment he started throwing his food at them. Now, of course the girls were rude and wrong and immature, and I don't blame the man for getting angry but all I could think was 'HOW COULD YOU THROW FOOD!!!!!!!' We all felt sorry for the guy, and once he had calmed down he did seem really vulnerable, but honsetly those b***** were really mean! Well anyway. We carried on talking shit and went home.

The End.

I've meaning to do this for some time.

I have stuff that I need to get off my chest. So here goes.

1. HOW CAN EGYPT BLOODY WELL WIN 1-0 TO ITALY BUT LOSE 3-0 TO USA?????????? STUPID FOOTBALL TEAMS!!! But I have to give Egypt credit for losing 3-4 to brazil, it was a brilliant match to watch, we could've drawn or even won the match, but it was not in our naseeb.

2. Mad people: if you're trying to be drunk could you not point at me from your car window and say 'WAHAAAAAY' as if to confirm to the world that you can decipher a muhajiba woman from the crowd. It makes me laugh but not when I'm in a bad mood, so stop it please.

3. Miss Short Fuse: I request that you stop being such a slothful git and actually earn you're way for favours, rather than make me go out to the supermarkets and make your dinner the moment I get home and wash up the dishes in the sink, while you're still happily chatting away on the phone. Your presence is wasteful and insulting to life.

4. Miss Pain-in-the-ass: Please open the windows at night, I've been waking up in a pool of sweat every morning for the last three weeks, and I know you consist of zero consideration for the sick and ill, but if you could stretch that tiny bit of generosity you own, to allowing the openning of windows, then my opinion of you might increase a millimeter... perhaps.

5. Bad bred parents: listen to the people around you, despite being ass holes, you are still loving towards your children, so stop being stubborn and listen to other people's opinions, their aim is the same as your's. So stop making decisions to show your 'authority'.

6. I'm angry.

7. Miss In-her-own-world: I've given up the thought that you can act as a responsible adult.

A taste of Motherhood.

A lot of things have happened within the past fortnight. Some mad things, some happy things, and some disturbing things.

1. I went to westfields recently, that place is HUUUGE! I know I'm mega late at going there, but I honestly thought the hype around it was just talk. But it honsetly is awesome! Me and my sisters got the most expensive dresses from House of Fraiser and went into the poshest fitting rooms (sneaking in a compass) and praying; it's the best method for praying outside when there's no prayer room :D Now here comes the funny bit, there was a guy with his girlfriend and she was trying on a super expensive dress, so she came out of the changing cubicle to show him and he looked mega uninterested and just nodded his head for the sake of it, then when she went back to change, I saw her boyfriend nervously checking the contents of his wallet. I wanted to point and laugh sooo badly! But there was an actual opportunity for me to point and laugh later that day; while checking pijamas in a store Miss Short fuse tripped on a fragment of imagination or her own shoes, then fell ontop of the shop's window display's poster. Miss. Short fuse then fell to the ground and the poster toppelled ontop of her, leaving broken pieces of apparatus hanging from the ceiling. I actually stood still and laughed, along with a friend and Miss. Pain in the Ass, we all just laughed at her.

2. I've had family come over from egypt and this hasn't happened in the past 10 years or so, hence I was really excited, but the kids that accompany the adults are a bit tough to handle, what worried me was the extent of x-rated knowledge the 11 year old girl had. Excuse me, but with an upringing in egypt I had expected a limitation on society's side of things for this little girl but the damaging consequences are that this childish and still immature 11 year old now thinks she's an adult, when she still wants plastic beaded necklaces! What happened to the innocence of ignorance for our children? Why do they get to know about such things so early on in life? Why oh why are there billboards of half naked wemon everywhere you go? So when my cousin's 7 year old son asks 'is that a naked woman' and I obviously can't answer anything else and say 'yes' and he replies 'wow' I have a right to get worried!!! I'm worried for the future, like I seriously am.

3. I had a taste of motherhood the other day, it was enlightening/embaressing/aggravating. I needed to go to he library on an errend for my dad, and he told me to take the kids with me, the initial thought was 'whadafa?' but then the realisation that I'd have to use to pushchair for one of the kids (as he's pretty sick at the moment) made me think 'HELL NO!' but I resigned.... I ended up pushing a pushchair all the way down my local high street with the embaressing thought 'does everyone think these two semi-blonde children are my CHILDREN?' and I had to keep them quiet cus they got over excited for some reason, so I had to act all strict.. gah! It's hard to make them like you and be strict at the same time ya know!

4. Me and the other misses sneaked out of the house, told a lie to the adults and went to Canary Wharf!!!! OMG!!!! This is probably the biggest form of rebelliousness I have ever experienced, the thing that contradicts our rebelliousness is that it was all to buy a father's day present.. we got him Austen Reed shirts (nice shirts they have too). We ate wagamamas!! (seafood ramen yay!) We had amazing ice-cream! We saw Old Kent Road! (one less thing to see off the monopoly map) BUT WE LIED! Oh the guilt! buuuuuuuuuut! All was told the next day (good thing dad was happy with the shirts otherise I doubt he would've over-ridden our huge fat lie).

5. I've been crying alot recently, oh don't get me wrong, I'm not sad or anything, (not that I don't have an excuse to be) I just came across this rather controversial manga and it was a tragedy (stay away from tragedies ppl! they make your eyes go red and puffy) and I was really bawling! Like really crying my eyes out! like mad waterfall typed tears and arhythmic breathing that sounds similar to a donkey cry... (I shouldn't admit that). It was so pathetic! Because the ending was sooo made up on the stop! But sooo sad! And after a while I was like 'this manga is actually really crappily weird' because the male protagonist loves his girlfriend so much he'll point a gun at her O.O and say 'there was no other choice' ???? O.o Puleeease!! Spare me! >_< And the male protagonist really got on my nerves, but when you're reading manga really quickly (like what I do) you don't really stop to think 'this guy ought to be killed' because you just want to know what will happen next.

6. I have resumed eating lunches, but I just sorta eat whenever I feel like I'm actually hungry and not just eatiing for the sake of eating like what some people do when they're bored. But i must confess, there was a paticular day I remember that I had barely any sleep (for idiopathic reasons) and the rest of the day I was hungry like mad! and I just ate small and little bits of food contantly and got me annoyed because I ended up not being able to leave the kitchen except to go to the living room for meal time!!!

To Fullah and Mozzerella: dare to find spelling mistakes!!!

The worst way to be called fat...

Is by a seven year old boy who first says that you're fat, then he says you've gotten fatter, then calls you an elephant....

I was positively stunned.

My Dad's coming back!!!

My dad's coming back today!! I'm so happy! Yay!!!

Yay-ness!!!! :D

I haven't seen him in around 6 weeks, longest time ever I've been away... as a result I've been cleaning less and dossing more :(

I's funny that you only appreciate people's presence when they're absent.

My life is not worth blogging about. But......

Hello world!

I thought I should stop by this ultimately popular blog and speak my mind about how one may have a split personality. One that resides at home and one that resides outside home.

Let's name these characters Miss Sad and Miss Happy, respectively.

Miss Sad might arise from the dwellings she occupies in Miss Happy's heart. But she can only be summond. And that summons can only be chanted by a certain Miss Pain-in-the-ass, but as well as by Miss Short Fuse and by Mr. Too Logical as well as Miss In-her-own-world.

It's very tiring turning from Miss Happy to Miss Sad in complete iterations. I wish I could be one or the other and not alternating between the two. Or rather I wish I could be Miss happy constantly. But that's only in perfect world that won't exist because we have corrupted it.

Hmmm... I don't trust myself to say anymore. Except that I'm tired, and not in the physical sense.

Want to hear a secret?

I have recently been spending some of my time today to look for jobs, something I've tried to postpone for as long as possible, because I know I'll get depressed by my lack of experience, brains and confidence. But I finaly got myself to those search options when I came across a manga where the main character watched anime 2 days straight because she was heart broken. Then I thought to myslef... omg I'm acting like some pitiful heartbroken girl and I'm still single, moreover; I've been treating job rejections as though they were some form of lost romantic love?!!!?

Once I had made this horrid self realisation about the way I've been spending my days, I thought I should face the music and look for some form of employment. But omg it's so hard to make myself look and face the music!!! I can't find anything I like even if I could find something I could do! I simply lack the motivation and drive to look for jobs.

Then I made another self-realisation, or rather re-discovery as I think I've always known this thing about me but didn't really want to own up to it; I always focus my total concentratiuon when ever I draw or write. It's the only thing that manga can't get in the way of. I could draw for days and weeks and years. And I'd love doing it. I'd get stressed out if there was a paticular deadline, but I would still love it. So I know a huge part of myself wants to just draw and write, and I would feel so honoured for it if I got paid while doing it. Because it's something I love.

But lets look at the practical aspects here. A girl with a science degree, from a science family, with an incredibly overly-logical father simply won't be able to even express her desire of drawing/writing professionally let alone actually draw/write proffessionally.

So here comes the typical filmic dilemma: get a job that you'll be bored an stuck with for the rest of your life to make money and carry on living the same boring life. Or 'live the dream' and draw forever and ever!? Make a name for yourself in history and make sure you can somehow change the world with your writing!?

This is simply a case of practically vs passion.

Passion never wins. But why don't I take a gamble?

Because I don't gamble, or take risks, I've always played it safe, always stuck by the rules, never been spontaneous.

But I don't like being tied down to an organisation either and being another face amoungst the crowd. I seriously want to make an impact to society, I want to be the person talking to the crowd. I don't like being restrained to a set schedual everyday. I want to plan my own days and make my own rules.

So what do I do? Play it safe, or face a hell of a lot of drama to do what I want to do?